


And End, Once and For All

by Resacon1990



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Mass Effect Rewrite
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-18
Updated: 2014-08-04
Packaged: 2018-02-09 03:04:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 23,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1966593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Resacon1990/pseuds/Resacon1990
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And later, when he's standing on the Normandy's landing ramp watching Anderson run back into the burning city, the Reapers landing in the destroyed remains, evacuation shuttles blowing up in the sky, the dog tags in his fist cutting harshly into the skin on his palm as he refuses the stinging in his eyes... he leans back into Kaidan until their shoulders knock and the man says "it's okay". </p><p>Or, that time I got irritated at the lack of emotion in every MShep/Kaidan cutscene and rewrote them all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Shepard reunited with Kaidan

**Author's Note:**

> So, as said in the summary, I got incredibly irritated while watching the cutscenes on youtube for the MShep/Kaidan romance and at how _terrible_ they are with emotions. So, I rewrote them.
> 
> I'll be posting a link to the original cutscene in every chapter, and there's an estimate of eighteen chapters with twelve already written. Most of the dialogue in each chapter is taken painstakingly from every cutscene, with only a few added lines, such as in this chapter and the later on ones. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Original Cutscene: [[x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azc6sEILkIM&index=2&list=PLCFB508F8F82F0460)]

He doesn't know these halls or these people. He knows James, who still refuses to drop the 'commander' or the salute, and he knows Anderson who he argues with as they walk towards the defence committee, but besides them he's lost in a sea of unrecognisable faces and the Alliance. 

"Good luck in there, Shepard," James says almost as soon as they've stepped into the last hallway, and Shepard tears his eyes from Anderson's back to turn around and shake the man's hand almost automatically. Anderson's footsteps continue on, but he chooses not to follow him, and to instead thank James and clap his shoulder. James grins back at him, his grip firm, and Shepard has the urge to just not go and face the ridiculous committee before a familiar voice calls out.

"Shepard."

He goes ridged for all of a second before he swings around and sees _him_ standing there, looking more surprised than Shepard feels. 

"Kaidan?" he says, and he tries not to feel hurt at the flinch on Kaidan's face as he just _stares_ at Shepard with a half open mouth and a crushed expression that Shepard knows so well from Horizon, and Kaidan's fingers are twitching like he wants to move forward and do something, but no words are coming to Shepard's head except _Kaidan Kaidan Kaidan_ -

"How'd it go in there, Major?" Anderson interrupts, clearly feeling the discomfort radiating from the two of them as they just stand there stupidly staring at one another, and Shepard mentally thanks him as he moves forward with his eyes still on the other man.

"Okay, I think. Hard to know. I'm just waiting for orders now," and oh how Shepard has missed this man, missed everything from the way he always gives that cocky grin when he's convinced he done something right, all the way down to how he even sums up a _meeting_. Shepard wants to laugh at himself, call himself pathetic and every name under every sun, but instead he shoulders past Anderson and stands staring at Kaidan in shock.

"Major?" he finally chokes out, wincing at his strangled voice, and Anderson's eyebrow shoots up as he stares at him in obvious disbelief, while Kaidan just looks confused before what looks like a resigned smile appears on his face.

"You hadn't heard?"

"No. I'm a bit out of the loop these days," he tries not to sound bitter, but by the look on Kaidan's face, as it drops and Kaidan glares at the ground with hostility Shepard hasn't seen in a long time, he doesn't succeed.

"Sorry, sir," he all but snaps, and to everyone else's ears Shepard has no doubt he sounds at least mildly respectful, but to his own he can feel the anger and _the blame_ , "didn't mean to keep _you_ out of the loop."

Still some resentment from Horizon then, from _being alive_ , for not contacting him and telling him he's on a _suicide mission from hell_ , Shepard thinks, and he offers Kaidan a torn smile that makes the other man's eye literally twitch in undoubtedly irritation as he calmly says, "I'm sure you had your reasons."

"Yeah, I suppose I did," and Shepard hates the newfound hostility, something that his Kaidan hadn't even known about… not that Kaidan was ever _his_ , but he watches as Kaidan's face falls and he gives Shepard his own broken smile, "still, it's good to see you-"

"Admiral!" 

Shepard gives the approaching lady a reproachful glare, especially when he sees the way Kaidan falters in his words and falls quiet, but Anderson just grimaces and nods as he barks, "come on" at Shepard.

He doesn't listen to Anderson, too busy looking at Kaidan who seems to busy looking anywhere _but_ at Shepard, and his chest literally aches as he tries to scrounge up some words to say. Anything.

"I'm sor-"

"Save it," Kaidan cuts him off cooly, "you have a meeting you're supposed to go to."

"Kaidan. We need to talk. I can't leave things like this between us."

His eyes soften, and Shepard steps closer as Kaidan's stance becomes more receptive, but his tone doesn't change as he jerks his head in the direction of the waiting Anderson.

"After," he says, "we'll talk after, okay? But for now, go."

He obeys, his eyes on Kaidan as he walks past, and he manages to muster up a small smile to match Kaidan's almost reluctant one as he gets nodded at, and he has to resist the urge to draw the man into the tightest of hugs as he clenches his hands into fists. He's by Anderson, but not out of hearing distance when he hears James ask "you know the commander?".

He refuses to punch a nearby wall when he hears Kaidan's reply of, "I used to", and instead squares his shoulders as he marches into the meeting with a steely determination.

And later, when he's standing on the Normandy's landing ramp watching Anderson run back into the burning city, the Reapers landing in the destroyed remains, evacuation shuttles blowing up in the sky, the dog tags in his fist cutting harshly into the skin on his palm as he refuses the stinging in his eyes... he leans back into Kaidan until their shoulders knock and the man says "it's okay". 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Tis only the beginning, yeah :D Hopefully I won't do too badly, and hopefully I won't butcher the characters too badly D:
> 
> [my tumblr (if you wanna :D)](http://resacon1990.tumblr.com/)


	2. About Shepard's work for Cerberus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Cutscene: [[x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cP3U3fueGuA&index=3&list=PLCFB508F8F82F0460)]

Executing Civilians. _Executing_ them. 

He trails behind James and Kaidan as they barrel into the compound, his mind a mess of the inhumanity Cerberus shows and his mouth full of cotton as his stomach rolls unpleasantly. He stumbles into the room, nods at James to hit the switch for the elevator, and he has half a mind to take off his helmet despite the threat of _suffocating to death_ and vomit as the images of those civilians at the hands of Cerberus echo in his head over and over, when suddenly Kaidan is standing over him.

"Shepard, I need a straight answer," he demands, and Shepard rolls his shoulders back as he straightens up from his bent over stance and stares at the other man with a narrow gaze.

"About what?"

"Do you know anything about why Cerberus is here?" 

Shepard has to hold back some form of hysterical laughter as he stares at the suspicious man, knowing he's completely serious, and he hears James growling warningly behind him, and he's honestly flattered at James's protectiveness, but he raises his hand to ward him off.

"What makes you think I know what they're up to?"

Kaidan's nasty laugh makes Shepard flinch as the man turns towards the railing and leaves Shepard to just stare at his back. "You worked for them, for gods sake," Kaidan snaps, "how am I not supposed to think that?"

_By trusting me_ , Shepard wants to cry out, wants the man to realise that he's _not the bad guy_ , and he never has been, never _will_ be. 

"We joined forces to take down the collectors, that's _it_ ," he says instead, and he knows that he sounds like he's begging as he joins Kaidan at the railing but the man refuses to look at him and instead continues to look straight ahead.

"There's more to it," he grits his teeth, the sound of them grinding together echoing through their comms, and Shepard remembers that he use to tell Kaidan off for doing that back… well back when Kaidan _trusted_ him, "they rebuilt you from the ground up. They gave you a ship, resources-"

"Let me be clear," Shepard cuts him off, and he slams his hand down on the railing in aggravation, "I've had no contact with Cerberus since I destroyed the collector base. And I have no idea why they're here now or what they want," and oh, he knows he sounds cruel and the look on Kaidan's face is enough to make him want to whimper and apologise, but he just can't do this, he can't have Kaidan constantly doubting him and not _trusting_ him. He can't.

At least Kaidan looks at James when he steps forward, and Shepard notes the way James's hand is tight around the trigger and appears to be almost trembling under pressure as he growls, "Commander Shepard has been under constant surveillance since coming back to earth. No way they've communicated since."

There's a heavy silence for a long minute as Kaidan just seems to continue looking into empty space before he sighs and turns to Shepard, and Shepard wishes he wasn't wearing that forsaken helmet so he could see his face.

"Sorry, Shepard. It's just that…"

He's cut off by the elevator _finally_ working and they all step into the middle to take off their helmets, and Shepard instantly turns to Kaidan to keep listening, to watch his face and gauge his expressions. Kaidan doesn't keep talking though, and Shepard is reminded of when the officer cut them off before the defence committee, the look on Kaidan's face is the same, and he sighs as he shoves his helmet under his arm.

"I shouldn't have to explain myself to you, Kaidan," _not after everything we've been through_ , he wants to continue but he doesn't. Not in front of James, who already is raising an eyebrow and looking between the two of them like they're a show. Maybe not even in front of Kaidan.

It takes the lurch of the elevator finally reaching the top to shatter the tense silence, and James calmly walks away from them as Shepard grimaces and steps forward to touch Kaidan's wrist.

"Please," he mumbles, begs, asks, " _trust me_."

Then finally, _finally_ , Kaidan is looking at him and Shepard has missed those eyes as Kaidan offers him a small smile and his hand slides up to lightly press their palms together.

"I do," he says, his voice sounding strangled, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"

The sudden thundering in the vents has them tearing away from each other as Shepard all but lunges forward to push James into cover, Kaidan right as his back, and his hands grab for his gun as he searches for the cause of the noise with narrowed eyes and baited breath.

"Here we go again," James mutters from behind him, and Shepard breathes at Kadian's laugh. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh guys, thanks so much for the response on this :) You're all fantastic!
> 
> [my tumblr (if you wanna :D)](http://resacon1990.tumblr.com/)


	3. Stubborn as Always

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Cutscene: [[x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWWuYVad3_E&index=4&list=PLCFB508F8F82F0460%0A)]

"What?"

He's already tired of seeing Liara's smug face, and he's only been looking at it for a handful of seconds, and he takes a moment to wish they were back when they'd first met where she was just a naive asari with massive ambitions, not the shadow broker who knows everything and anything and has that _stupid smirk_.

"The Major has become very capable," she simply says as she turns away, and even though Shepard _knows_ that definitely not what she was thinking he just turns to look through the door Kaidan's gone through with an undoubtedly wistful look on his face.

"Agreed," and Liara's smothered laughter makes him grit his teeth, but thankfully Kaidan appears back in the doorway and calls out.

"Commander, I found something."

He takes a brief moment to glare at Liara, eyes narrowing as she raises her hands in mock surrender, before he strides towards the other room wit his fingers drumming beside the trigger, eyes peeled for anything. "What've you got?" he asks as soon as the door closes behind him and Kaidan looks up at him from beside a Cerberus body.

"He's got a transmitter in his helmet," he says as he turns to fiddle with the helmet and Shepard moves a bit closer, "if I can just…" he falls silent as he gives a brief tug and pulls away the faceplate, only to yelp as he scrambles back straight into Shepard's knees.

Luckily they don't tumble down, and Shepard manages to right him with a hand on his shoulder as Kaidan's hand tightens on his arm.

"My god, he looks like a husk," and Shepard doesn't like the way Kaidan's voice drops with something akin to fear, and he squeezes his shoulder as he moves forward.

"Yeah, not quite," he drops to a crouch to look straight at the body, half expecting it to suddenly move like some sort of horror film, "but they've definitely done something to him."

"And by they, you mean Cerberus? They did this to their own guy?" Kaidan asks, and Shepard glances back to see him looking horrified, "is this what they did to… you?"

Shepard grits his teeth in anger as he yanks out the transmitter before turning to glare at Kaidan, "how can you compare me to him?" he snaps, and he watches Kaidan literally bristle in front of him.

"Shepard, I don't know what you are? Or who… not since Cerberus rebuilt you," Kaidan looks away from him, staring down at the useless corpse and Shepard has to remind himself not to crush the transmitter in his hand, "for all I know, you could be their puppet controlled by the Illusive Man himself." 

"That's not fair, Kaidan!" he argues, and he wishes that Liara or even James were here to just _shut Kaidan up_. Now is definitely not the time to worrying about this, he just wants Kaidan to shut up and _trust him_.

But Kaidan looks hurt as he turns back to Shepard, and Shepard feels something in his chest twinge as Kaidan takes a hesitant step forward.

"Don't try to explain it," he says, "I don't think I'd understand anyway. I just want to know, is the person I followed to hell and back still in there… somewhere?"

"They didn't _change_ me, Kaidan," Shepard stresses, moving forward himself until there was only a little bit of space between them, "but words won't convince you, will they?" He knows he sounds resentful, but he just… just doesn't want _this_.

"Probably not," and the smile on Kaidan's face is sad and broken and Shepard doesn't want to see sad broken smiles anymore.

"I didn't think so," he says as he moves to bump their shoulder together, "you were always stubborn."

Kaidan's laugh is gorgeous and Shepard can't help but grin at the scandalised " _me_?" from him as Kaidan joking pushes him away. There's a slight flush to his cheeks, something Shepard loves, and they stay in silence for all of a moment before Shepard moves over to the railing looking down into the bay.

"Come on, let's see what Cerberus is up to," he smiles as Kaidan leans beside him with their sides pressed together, "maybe we'll both get some answers."

Kaidan doesn't say anything, just nods and presses their hips together, and Shepard takes a deep breathe before raising the transmitter to his lips.

"This is Delta Team…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm crying with excitement, you guys are all bloody brilliant!
> 
> Also, I do have to say, these do get longer!
> 
> [my tumblr (if you wanna :D)](http://resacon1990.tumblr.com/)


	4. Kaidan Gravely Injured (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Cutscene: [[x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-jJxB81yQU&index=5&list=PLCFB508F8F82F0460)]
> 
> This cutscene was actually cut into two while I wrote it. In the video, this chapter technically ends at the 2:45 mark, and the following chapter will be picking up from the 6:26 mark.

Of course James crashes into her shuttle with his. Of freaking course. He can hear both Kaidan and Liara right behind them, twin cries of surprise ripping through the air, and Shepard swears under his breath as he screams "move!" right as the shuttle crashes with a massive blast, the heat warming Shepard even through his suit as the shockwave slams into him and the other.

The ground is completely unforgiving as he smashes into it with a grunt, and he hears Kaidan echo the sound right beside him and Liara's strangled cry of pain further away. He groans as he rolls to the side, his body aching badly, and sees her curled up in a ball, gasping for breath. He forces himself to his feet, staggering a few steps before he goes to tug Kaidan to his.

"I'm fine," Kaidan mutters though and waves Shepard off as he stumbles upright and moves towards Liara, slowly but steadily, and Shepard lingers in place for a moment, watching them as Kaidan gently coerces Liara to her knees, before he turns to flag James down and winces when he lands his shuttle right between him and the other two, cutting them off.

He glares, despite knowing James won't even see it, as he swaggers out of the shuttle, and he knows that if he could see James's face there'd definitely be a smug smirk on it.

"Normandy's en route. They'll be here soon."

Shepard starts to say 'good', and contemplates making a crack about how completely _shit_ James is at flying shuttles, when Dr Eva's shuttle door suddenly bursts open and some… _thing_ comes storming out in a blaze of fire. Shepard doesn't know what to do for the moment it takes for the thing to sprint towards Kaidan, just watches as Kaidan throws Liara behind him and starts shooting with _fantastic_ aim, every bullet hitting it's mark, but as soon as it's hand wraps around Kaidan's head Shepard's face drops and he darts forward as panic builds in him.

"Kaidan!" he practically screams as he sprints around the shuttle, James on his heels, and he drags out his gun to aim at the thing, whatever it is, and he tries not to let his voice tremble as he demands, "let him go!"

It regards Shepard cooly, just staring at him as it holds Kaidan by the face, and Shepard feels sick as he watches Kaidan squirming in midair, his feet far from the ground as he desperately tries to push away the thing with flailing and useless hands, before it reaches up to press against it's ear and simply say "orders?".

He thinks he hears the Illusive Man on the other end of the transmitter, but he doesn't think more of it as suddenly the thing is turning around and Shepard is screaming "no!" as Kaidan is rammed and rammed and _rammed_ into the shuttle, his head hitting it again and again with dull thuds that echo, and the pistol is trembling in Shepard's hand as he helplessly watches Kaidan stop fighting with a choked gasp over the comms, his arms falling to hang at his sides uselessly, and he just stops _moving_ before he's thrown to the ground in a limp mess.

It doesn't even register that the thing is sprinting towards him as he fires maybe three times and it falls to the ground sparking, his eyes only for Kaidan's unmoving body as his breath starts coming out in panicked hitches.

"Grab that thing," he orders James as soon as it's dropped to the ground and doesn't wait for the affirmative before he runs towards Kaidan, stumbling to a halt as he falls to his knees, ignoring the pain radiating through the bone. His hands hover over Kaidan's body for a brief moment, unsure of what to do, before Joker's voice crackles through his transmitter.

" _Shepard, we got Reaper signatures in orbit_."

"Kaidan?" he gasps out, hands finally dropping to his body and shaking him briefly, "Kaidan!" He wants to call out more, demand for him to wake up, but Liara's cries to hurry has him swearing madly before dragging Kaidan's body up into a fireman hold then turning and jogging towards the others.

He pauses once on the ramp, glancing down at the mess of the shuttles and the landing Reapers, and his hand squeezes Kaidan's thigh as he turns to rush towards the medical bay while the ramp closes behind him.

He falls into autopilot as he follows Liara and James through the halls, ignoring the calls of the crew as they all scramble around him attempting to get the _hell_ off this forsaken planet, until he finally deposits Kaidan gently down on a bed in the medical room. There's a thunk as James drops the thing onto another before joining them and Shepard swears when he sees Kaidan's already bruised up face as when James reaches up to pull off his helmet.

He stands there for a moment, just looking down at him, and he starts muttering curses softly under his breath as he tugs off his gloves and helmet and reaches forward to place his hand over Kaidan's mouth, feeling the barely there tingle of breathing, as he strokes his fingers through his hair and skims over the bruises and _god damn it Kaidan_ -

"Kaidan needs medical attention," Liara suddenly states, her voice harsh, but Shepard ignores her as he just keeps _staring_ , "we have to leave the Sol System."

"I know," he croaks out, but he doesn't move or say anything as his knees start to tremble, until James is nudging him and Liara's hands are on his face and turning it to look at hers.

"The citadel is our best chance. We can find help there."

He stares, Kaidan's barely moving chest under his hand, Liara staring back at him-

" _Shepard_."

"Get us to the citadel, Joker," Shepard instantly barks, and James's hand is on his shoulder as Joker's voice crackles an affirmative over the intercom. "Hold on, Kaidan," he manages to mumble after a pause before his legs finally give out and he crumbles to the ground with a loud cracking noise as his knees hit the metal flooring, aching his bones, and this time he allows himself to let out a wounded noise, for his knees or the man above him he doesn't know.

Liara and James both cry out in surprise as he hits the deck, both scrambling forward to help him, but Shepard doesn't say anything to them as he shrugs away their hands and leans his back against the bed. He tips his head back to thud against the side, appreciating the dull pain as he reaches his hand up to link his fingers with Kaidan's, squeezing the cold metal gloved hand as hard as he can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, have I told you all that you're all lovely?
> 
> I'm so sorry if this was a sad chapter. But I'm gonna say now, it has to get worse before it gets better.
> 
> (Also, there was a lot of hitting the floor in this chapter. I never noticed. Wow.)
> 
>  
> 
> [my tumblr (if you wanna :D)](http://resacon1990.tumblr.com/)


	5. Kaidan Gravely Injured (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Cutscene: [[x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-jJxB81yQU&index=5&list=PLCFB508F8F82F0460)]
> 
> And so the second half of this cutscene, picking up from the 6:26 mark :)

Chakwas says he's doing okay. Michel says he's doing okay. The only two people he trusts with Kaidan's life in this entire forsaken hospital _both_ say he's doing okay, and Shepard takes a moment outside of Kaidan's room to just rest his head against the doorway and _breathe_.

"Hey Kaidan," he says when he finally musters enough courage to actually go into the room. There's no reply, not that he was expecting one, and he moves to Kaidan's bedside to look down at his unmoving body with sad eyes.

They'd said he's okay. He's going to be okay.

"Don't know if you can hear me, but since you can't tell me to get the hell out either… I'm going to take my chances."

He pauses before reaching out and picking up a limp hand, threading his fingers under his in a tight grasp and rubbing the back of Kaidan's knuckles with his thumb. They're rough and calloused, similar to Shepard's own, and he trails his thumb over the protruding veins over the back of his hand as he tries to form words.

The bruises on Kaidan's face make him wince, his skin now a purple and black mess, and there's stains of red under his nose and by his hairline from blood. Shepard reaches up and lightly glides his fingers across them, barely touching the woulds as he sighs.

"Don't die, Kaidan. You've got to fight. We need you in this…" he swallows the lump in his throat and checks behind him in case he's not alone before he turns back to Kaidan and brushes his fingers through his hair and whispers, " _I need you_."

His voice sounds broken to his own ears, and he clears his throat before he places Kaidan's hand back by his side and stands back at parade rest.

"Seeing you in action again… it reminded me you're a hell of a soldier," he declares, his voice stronger and less strangled, and he hears footsteps behind him as the doctor enters the room, "the Alliance could sure use you. _I_ could use you."

The doctor clears his throat, probably to alert him of company, and Shepard stiffens as he glances back to nod at him, "You need anything, doc, let me know."

He turns back to Kaidan once more, looking over him and registering every single cut and nick and bruise, storing it away to remember later. The Illusive Man is going to _pay_ for this, he decides right then and there, and he's going to make sure he _knows_ pain like Kaidan does before he dies. Then, doctor or no doctor, he steps forward and runs his fingers through Kaidan's greasy hair once more and pushes it off his forehead.

"Come on, Kaidan. _Fight_."

He turns to walk out, nodding at the nurse who bustles past and the doctor who watches him with a sympathetic gaze, and he pauses once outside of the door, hearing the heart machine beeping and the medical staff murmuring over Kaidan.

"And that's an order."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh gosh, this was so short, I'm so sorry. I couldn't really think much on how to expand this scene dialogue wise, except for a few tidbits, and just basically tried to make Shepard move around and touch Kaidan more than in the cutscene.
> 
> Don't worry though guys! Cause this is the shortest chapter and everything gets much longer from here on out!
> 
> [my tumblr (if you wanna :D)](http://resacon1990.tumblr.com/)


	6. Kaidan is offered Spectre status

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Cutscene: [[x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adAWMYvzn2Q&index=5&list=PLCFB508F8F82F0460)]

He should know these halls like the back of his hand by now, he thinks, he's walked them so much. He's only actually been in to see Kaidan once, when he was unconscious, but he's come back time and time again just to find out how he is.

"Are you sure you haven't moved in?" Joker grunts from beside him as he struggles to keep up, and Shepard slows down just a bit for the pilot to walk beside him.

"You're an ass, Moreau." 

Joker just gives him a grin before sighing. "You sure you want me to come in?" he asks, "it's the first time Kaidan's woken up. I don't wanna spoil the mood."

"What mood?"

"You know exactly what mood," Joker snorts before he reaches up to pat Shepard lightly on the shoulder, "I'll go find that Michel doctor lady and get a full update from her, just so you don't flip out if he's not awake. I'll come by after."

"Joker-" he starts, feeling beyond bad, but Joker just cuts him off with a wave of his hand.

"Honestly, I don't want to get into the middle of whatever weird love-fest you two have," he laughs, "seriously, it's fine."

Shepard watches as the man limps off, still feeling bad, but eventually he sighs and keeps walking down the corridor, finally turning into the one with Kaidan's room in it, and he can't help but grin as he hears murmuring coming from Kaidan's room.

"You'll have it soon, Councilor, I promise," and that's definitely Kaidan's voice that Shepard hears, and he picks up speed in his walking towards the room. Finally, _finally_ , he's awake.

"I look forward to it."

He stumbles almost to a halt as he walks in the room, in time to hear Udina and almost crash into him. He gets a barely polite, "Shepard" in greeting, but he's not much better with his terse "Udina."

He doesn't look away from the door with his glare until Udina's footsteps disappear, and then he turns to Kaidan and grins at him, relief flooding him at seeing the man sitting up in bed for once.

"Hey," he tries for cool and calm, where really he just wants to smother him, to help him with his obvious pain, and he once again tracks the worsening bruises and cuts over his torso and head, wincing particularly at the awful purple lumps covering his face, mangling his skin.

"Shepard, hey," and _god_ , Shepard has missed his voice and that _smile_ , "you just missed snack time… actually, that's probably a good thing. Thanks for coming."

"No problem," he grins as he settles into the seat beside Kaidan's bed, resisting the urge to reach out for his hand, before he nods at the door, "what's Udina want? Still thinking about the Spectre position?"

Kaidan sighs as he tries to move up on the bed, and Shepard winces at the angle he's lying on, and before he can stop himself he reaches out to help guide Kaidan up. He lets his hand linger on Kaidan's elbow, feeling the hot skin under his palm, and Kaidan smiles his thanks as he lies his head back to look at him.

"It's a big honour," he says and Shepard briefly forgets what they were talking about at the smile on Kaidan's face, he's always been a sucker for Kaidan's smile, "a huge responsibility. Just need to be sure."

"You'll be great, whatever you choose," Shepard reassures him as he runs his hand down Kaidan's arm to his wrist, squeezing it before letting go, "I, ah, I got you this," and he reaches into his jacket to pull out the whiskey he'd bought on one of his nervous appearances at the hospital gift shop.

Of course, he has a brief moment where he wonders if it is _sane_ to give a sick man alcohol, especially because Kaidan's sort of _sick_ , but when he'd bought it the only thing that'd gone through his head was Kaidan's love for this disaster called whiskey and… well, Kaidan's face lighting up makes him internally applaud his decision.

Kaidan grins at him, even though it looks like it hurts to do so as his bruised skin tightens, and takes it with a, "wow, thanks, Shep. That's really great."

 _You haven't called me Shep in a long time_ , is what Shepard wants to say, but instead he smiles and says, "just a little pick me up."

"Maybe when I'm out, we can crack it open and celebrate," Kaidan laughs, and Shepard nods, before he sighs and leans back to look at the roof, "I am so ready to get out of here, Shepard. You can't tell, but I'm tied to this bed by medical red tape. I mean Doc, Doc says I'm good to go, but then she always finds 'just one more test' to run."

"You doing okay?"

"My implant got a little… rattled, so Doc wants me to keep the biotics offline for a bit. It's really no big deal." The smile he continues to give Shepard almost makes him believe it and he sighs as he leans forward to place his linked hands on the bed, a hairsbreadth from Kaidan's naked hip.

"Need me to break you out?" he asks, and Kaidan's laugh is loud and beautiful, and Shepard can't stop himself from grinning.

"I'll let you know," and Shepard doesn't think he imagines the way Kaidan shifts until his hip is pressed against Shepard's knuckles.

"I'm glad you asked me to come," he finally stutters out after a speechless minute, "it's good to see you're going to be okay." _You're going to live_. "You almost died on my watch… and it was… was horrible to see."

Kaidan's hand rests on his for a moment, enough time for Shepard's breath to be taken away at the blatant contact, before Kaidan's looking at him with that broken excuse for a smile he had on Mars, on Earth. "I want you to be straight with me then," he says, "so, I want to make sure… after Mars, after Horizon. You and me, we're good?"

 _Of course, god yes_ , "We've been through hell together, had each others backs. That kind of bond is hard to break." _Our bond is hard to break_.

But Kaidan shakes his head, his smile even _sadder_ , "but no, not just that. You were my Commander, sure. But you listened to me too… you… we…" he takes a deep breath, and Shepard watches as he tries to hold himself together, "we went through Ash's death together."

He almost laughs at the suddenness of the comment, he hasn't thought about Ash's death in a _long_ time, hasn't thought about _her_ in a long time, "yeah… we did."

Kaidan seems to understand as he rests his hand back on Shepard's, "so, what do you say? Are we good?"

"We're good," and the urge to diffuse the situation, before things get _too_ much into the past, pops up and Shepard moves his hands to his lap as he sits up straight, "it was great to have you back on the Normandy."

Kaidan's "thanks" is quiet, disheartened, and Shepard curses himself.

"Ah, feel like we cleared the air?" he tries again, and Kaidan nods slowly with a grimace.

"Yeah. You know, I'm not sure that I've been wrong about Cerberus… but I've been wrong about you," he stops and looks away, eyes facing the roof again, "I should let you get back to the Normandy. Wish I could come with you."

Shepard doesn't know what to say, the mood having changed so quickly, and he flinches at the blatant dismissal. "Take care of yourself, Kaidan," he says as he walks to the door, pausing to look back at the man and trying not to wince when Kaidan doesn't even look at him, "we need you at one hundred percent."

"Will do. Thanks for coming."

His tone isn't warm, isn't welcoming, and Shepard punches the first wall out of hearing distance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the long ones begin :)
> 
> Just thought I'd say, guys, it gets super angsty for a while, but it'll be all okay! I promise! I'm writing out the last few chapters now, and they're so sweet they make my teeth rot.
> 
> [my tumblr (if you wanna :D)](http://resacon1990.tumblr.com/)


	7. Visiting Kaidan in Hospital

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Cutscene: [[x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Sm2hmfZHLU&index=6&list=PLCFB508F8F82F0460)]

"Something else, Shepard?"

He sighs, he's barely been in the room for a second and already Kaidan looks ready to throw him out with his hard eyes and scowl. Still mad then, Shepard realizes as he slowly slips into the seat beside the bed and gives Kaidan an uneasy smile.

"Give me the update, Major."

Kaidan snorts as he looks away from Shepard, "ha, Major, yeah."

"Congrats. There's obviously been a lot going on," but Kaidan doesn't reply, just continues to stare up at the ceiling as if waiting for Shepard to just leave.

So Shepard takes the moment to just _look_ at Kaidan. His bruises are lessening, turning to sickly yellows interlaced with the red of burst blood vessels, his eyes are still massive dark circles and there's still the black indented line under his nose from where his helmet had sliced into the skin. He does look better though, less purple, less tired, and Shepard sighs as he looks down at his hands.

"I'm sorry," he says, and he sees Kaidan stiffen, "for brushing everything off before. I… I haven't talked about Ash in a very long time," he looks up and gives Kaidan a grimace, "maybe it's because I can't think about her without remembering how badly I failed, about how I couldn't save her. Every time her name comes up, every time I pass that memorial wall in the Normandy, all I can think about is… is her saying that she didn't regret a thing," he pauses, tries to swallow, "but _I_ do. I wish every day that I could've saved you both. That I never had to make that choice. It _wasn't fair_."

Kaidan looks shocked, clearly not having expected the outburst, and he looks almost ashamed of himself as he looks at his hands. "I didn't realise," he says softly, "I just…"

"The only other people on my crew who remembered her are Garrus, Liara, and there use to be Tali, and…" he smiles grimly, "well, we know what Ash thought of aliens."

"What about Joker?"

Shepard chuckles darkly, "you know how he felt about her, _still_ feels about her. I think he's only ever spoken about her to EDI and even then I don't think much," he reaches out and gently brushes Kaidan's shoulder, "but I'm _sorry_."

He can feel Kaidan's shoulder move up into his hand as he sighs, then Kaidan is smiling at him, and despite the reluctance in it, it's still a smile Shepard loves.

Ash did always use to make fun of his weakness for Kaidan's smiles. 

"Anderson asked me to take over a spec ops program. First Special Operations, Biotics Division. We're recruiting the most talented human biotics from around the galaxy."

"What's the focus?" Shepard asks, thankful for the distraction as he shakes away the lingering thoughts of Ash. He's never been good at the emotional side of things, especially not nostalgia.

"Covert, high risk missions," and Shepard tries not to feel a flare of overprotectiveness. He knows Kaidan can do this, he's one of the best soldiers he knows… and yet… "Turned it down at first. I mean, teaching? I prefer to get my hands dirty."

"Anderson can be pretty persuasive," Shepard laughs and Kaidan snorts.

"Yeah, bit of a hard-ass, but you can't argue with his kind of experience. Wouldn't take no, said it had to be me."

"With your history, you're the perfect choice."

"True. Human biotics are… we're different, freaks even. Most people in the galaxy still see us that way-"

_I don't_ , Shepard almost says, _I never will_.

"-but accepting it, embracing it, can be the difference between success and sitting at home in your PJs taking red sand," Kaidan smiles, "but I don't have to tell you that."

"You've been injured. Sure you want right back in the thick of it?" and the look Kaidan gives him makes Shepard wince. Yeah. Definitely coming off as too overprotective. 

"Are you kidding? I want to kick the Reapers straight to hell. Cerberus too." Kaidan wriggles around on his bed a bit more in an attempt to get comfortable, similar to last time, and like last time Shepard stands up to tug him up the bed. Kaidan gives him a thankful smile as he does so, and Shepard settles down on the edge of the bed instead of the chair, their thighs pressed together. "People near death say their lives flash before their eyes…" Kaidan continues after a moment of them both just staring at their legs, "the future flashed for me, the anguish, the families, the children… it made me determined to live. I need to do something, Shep, to save at least a few lives."

Shepard nods his head, his hand reaching out to lie on top of Kaidan's, "I understand," and Kaidan nods. "You, ah, you said your implant got rattled. Everything good?"

Kaidan laughs, "the medical gibberish was a bit more impressive but that's what I took away… rattled. Found a great doc at HQ that's fascinated by the L2 implant. I'm kind of her pet project," Shepard grins at Kaidan's affectionate smile, "the headaches are as bad as ever, but she's got me on a regime of acupuncture, meds and some nasty tasting concoction. Won't tell me what it is. But my biotics are stronger than ever," he laughs again, "maybe somethings get better with age."

"Or maybe you have," Shepard says before he can stop himself, and Kaidan's eyebrows rise as he stares at Shepard with a grin.

"Are you _flirting_ with me, Commander?" he asks, and Shepard feels like a fish as he sits there with his mouth open, but Kaidan laughs and lies back, "wait wait. Don't tell me. Let me live in the illusion."

_What illusion?_ Shepard is tempted to say, but he instead settles for just smiling when Kaidan flips his hand over and slips his thumb between Shepard's pinkie and ring finger.

"Are we gonna be able to get past what happened on Horizon?" he finally asks after a moment, and Kaidan hums quietly before flopping his head on the pillow to look at him.

"I'd like to, Shepard. I'd like to move past the harsh words and be… friends, at least."

"At least," Shepard agrees as he runs his finger down from Kaidan's wrist to his palm, "so how do we fix it?"

Kaidan's eyes are fixed on their entwined hands, but he stills answers with a reluctant, "I'll admit, I own a lot of that. You were standing right in front of me, and I was… I shut you down. I'm sorry."

"Okay."

He raises an eyebrow. "Okay?" and yeah, Shepard admits it wasn't the best answer, but Kaidan just shakes his head before continuing, "so, lets just put it behind us and get on with what's important right now."

"Bury it?"

"Bury it. Forgive it. I think that's how we get past Horizon."

Shepard hears the unspoken _that's how I got past you_ , and he just reaches forward to brush his fingers through Kaidan's hair, fighting back a blush when Kaidan leans into his hand, his breath hot against his wrist.

"I-I should probably get going," he stutters, and Kaidan smiles softly at him, clearly noticing the blush but thankfully not pointing it out

"Thanks for coming by," he says as Shepard hurries out of the room.

They've got a long way to go, he thinks as he rushes to meet up with an irritated looking James, a long way. More ups and downs than he cares to think about. 

It'll be worth it though, he decides.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I think I should probably explain a few things.
> 
> First, I adore the Ashley/Joker ship, even though it's doomed (mostly because I pick Kaidan over Ashley), and I really couldn't resist just adding that little bit in.
> 
> Second, I watch the cutscenes on youtube and when I do I sort of just try to rewrite them from what I can remember of them in game context and from what general vibes I get from the scenes. So I've gotten the idea that Kaidan stays hostile towards Shepard until after the Citadel Coup. 
> 
> Unfortunately this means that for these chapters, and the next few until the Citadel Coup, there's going to be massive ups and downs of emotions between these two, with them liking each other one moment then wanting to smack each other the next. I like to think that it's because they're sort of stuck in this limbo of having intense feelings for each other, but not really knowing each other anymore. Kaidan hasn't seen Shepard for two years, he can only remember his _ideal_ Shepard, and Shepard is experiencing a changed, paranoid and generally different Kaidan than the one he knows.
> 
> Basically, they're trying to relearn each other, but that's sort of hard to do in the middle of a war, isn't it?
> 
> I just thought I better explain myself so, hopefully, I don't piss you all off with the next few emotional rollarcoasters I call chapters. You've all been so wonderful, thank you so much :)
> 
> (I'm gonna kill you with angst, then massive fluff, then probably massive angst again. I should just rename this "Emotional Rollarcoaster".)
> 
> [my tumblr (if you wanna :D)](http://resacon1990.tumblr.com/)


	8. The Second Human Spectre

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Cutscene: [[x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pToB3q858Kk&list=PLCFB508F8F82F0460&index=7)]

The first thing that Shepard does when he gets to Kaidan's room and finds it empty, is panic. Completely panic. He stumbles from the room and down the hallway towards Dr Michel's, his eyes wide as he accosts her right outside the doorway, grabbing her elbows and making her jump in surprise.

"Where is he?" he demands, and Michel simply sighs as she extracts herself from his grip and pats his arm gently.

"Don't panic," she says, her voice thick with accent, "he's just in the examination room. He'll be out momentarily," she smiles sincerely at him, "you just came at the wrong time it all. He's okay."

Shepard deflates almost instantly, giving her an apologetic smile as he thanks her and moves over to the waiting room chairs. Ridiculous. He was being ridiculous. Of course Kaidan was fine. Michel herself was under strict orders to contact him if anything went wrong and since he _hadn't_ been contacted…

He still stays wound up until a few minutes later he glances up in time to see Kaidan walking down the hall towards him, one eyebrow raised and lips quirked up in a teasing grin.

"If you came to spring me, you're late," he jokes as he comes to a halt in front of Shepard's chair. 

Shepard doesn't let him say much more as he gets to his feet and wraps Kaidan up into a hug, his arm looping around Kaidan's shoulders as he shoves his face into Kaidan's neck, his other hand fisting in Kaidan's shirt at the small of his back, and he's relieved beyond all belief as Kaidan chuckles in his ear and hugs him back almost as tightly.

"You're walking?" Shepard asks, refusing to let go even when Kaidan smacks his back a few times before slumping against him with a sigh, his breath tickling the hair on Shepard's neck.

"You realise nothing was every wrong with my legs, right?" he says, and Shepard rolls his eyes as he lightly jabs Kaidan's side, making him squirm with laughter, "but yeah, Michel finally let me get out of bed," Shepard reluctantly lets go a bit, enough for Kaidan to pull back and flick his nose affectionately, "I'm getting out soon."

"Good to hear," _Brilliant to hear_.

Kaidan just grins as he tries to pull away a little further, and Shepard lets him as they move out of the way of the hall, leaning up against a nearby window. He looks good, Shepard realises as they step into the light, the bruises all but gone but maybe leaving a small shadow behind, the grin on his face looking less painful and his eyes look less dull than before… he looks _better_.

"Maybe you already saw the vid," Kaidan finally says after a long silence, and Shepard watches as he reaches up a hand to run through his hair, something that Shepard so desperately wants to do for himself, to feel the long dark strands against his skin, "but, ah, I accepted Udina's offer."

"Spectre Kaidan Alenko," Shepard teases, the name pleasant sounding on his tongue and Kaidan blushes across from him as he shyly rubs the back of his neck, "that's a big deal."

"Only the second human spectre. It's humbling," he grins at Shepard and moves closer to nudge him with his fist, "Udina thinks they might have a pretty big ceremony, even with the war. He says a celebration will give folks something hopeful to latch on to."

Shepard nods slowly. He's never been one for respecting Udina's ideas but Kaidan looks excited at the prospect. Instead of commenting though he just cocks his head to the side and asks, "you ready to take on that responsibility?"

"You set the bar pretty high," Kaidan laughs, and Shepard doesn't think he imagines the way Kaidan moves even closer until their hips bump, "but I'll do my best." It only takes a second, but Shepard watches in morbid fascination as Kaidan's expression drops from happy to pensive in merely a second, "it's strange, on Mars, I should have died. The promotion from Anderson, spectre status… these are terrible days, but I've been lucky."

"You're perfect for the job," Shepard reassures, and he skims the back of his hand down Kaidan's arm, _definitely gotten closer_ , "on Eden Prime, I could see there was something special about you," he pauses at Kaidan's raised eyebrow and sly smirk, and lightly punches his shoulder, "I mean you're a good soldier, moron."  

Kaidan laughs, his hand going up to rub his shoulder with a pout that Shepard _loves_ , before he grins and… well, blatantly takes Shepard hand in his.

"That means a lot," he says, hand squeezing Shepard's, and Shepard has to remind himself to breathe, "I'm happy. I want to serve."

Shepard has to take a moment, the breath still knocked out of him, and over such a silly thing as _holding hands_ with Kaidan? Ridiculous. Yet, he still feels his heart thumping in his chest as he thinks of the possibility of him and Kaidan… well, _finally_ maybe getting somewhere? Romantically?

_Cause we've only been waiting since Eden Prime._

"I, ah, thought you might wanna join the Normandy?" he finally manages to ask, interrupting the still silence between them, and Kaidan looks at him almost sadly as he drops their hands and moves away.

Shepard instantly yearns to have him back.

"Yeah. I have thought about that," Kaidan admits, his hand going back up to run through his hair in that nervous way of his, "I need to get out of here first though, take care of some things. I've been trying to locate my old spec ops squads, my students, from biotics division."

"Any luck?" and Shepard tries hard not to let disappointment affect his voice, but it's obvious by Kaidan's pained expression and the fact he moves _further_ away that it doesn't work.

"No. Probably went under ground, but they'll turn up. If they were easy to find, they wouldn't be doing their jobs."

"Well," Shepard pauses to look at Kaidan just once more standing in the window light, his arms crossed as he stares down at the Presidium underneath them, "let me know when you're out."

Kaidan looks at him in surprise, "you're going?"

Shepard tries not to think about what would happen if he said no, if he escorted Kaidan back to his room and curled up in the chair beside his bed and asked him to spin stories about Vancouver. If he didn't let Kaidan's reluctance to join his crew, this little hiccup, _get_ to him in ways that it already is.

He's never been good with 'hiccups'.

"Garrus wants me to 'calibrate' some things with him," he lies, "and James needs a good sparring lesson. Someone needs to cut that guy down a couple of pegs. And Liara-"

"I get it," Kaidan interrupts with a small laugh, "things to do, places to be. I guess hanging around a hospital doesn't do much for the war effort."

Shepard nods his head, putting on a smile as he turns away, offering a small wave over his shoulder.

"Take care, Spectre Alenko."

Kaidan's smile looks forced, but it's still there nonetheless, "stay safe, Commander." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, guys, Chibi_Chibi_60 has brought up a really good idea, and that's for me to also write the cutscenes from the Leviathan and Citadel DLCs. 
> 
> I haven't actually played the DLC's (except for some of the Citadel DLC), so if I write them I don't know how much justice I will actually do. If you were all interested though, I would like to at least attempt them and write two more chapters after the 18th dedicated to the two DLCs.
> 
> Let me know what you think?
> 
> [my tumblr (if you wanna :D)](http://resacon1990.tumblr.com/)


	9. Kaidan joins the Squad (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Cutscene: [[x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3cW0opupkQ&list=PLCFB508F8F82F0460&index=8)]
> 
> This video shows two cutscenes, the citadel coup and the recruiting of Kaidan. This chapter is just for the coup and that ends at 3:14 in the video.

Landing straight down on top of the elevator only to get shot at by Kaidan probably isn't Shepard's shining moment of glory. Definitely not when Garrus and Liara land down beside him with loud bangs, and Kaidan is suddenly shooting rapidly.

He almost calls out to tell him to stop, but ends up gritting his teeth to roll to the side instead, and he hears Garrus yelp beside him as a bullet skims him somewhere. Damn Kaidan and his good shot.

Luckily the elevator grinds to a sudden halt, and Shepard reaches out to steady Liara as she thumps against the top with a grunt before he crawls over and starts to hammer on the hatch with the butt of his gun. Garrus stares at him in disbelief, which is stupid because how _else_ is he gonna pry off the hatch, before the turian stands and slams his foot against it.

Shepard doesn't even bother with a thanks, just nods as he winces at the crash of metal on metal before sliding through the hole and taking off down the hall. He hears the other two right behind him at the same time as Kaidan appears in view, shouting "-back to the elevator!"

He's stops though as Shepard barrels through the door, barely seeing the burning wreck of what could've been a shuttle, and Shepard only skids to a halt when Kaidan holds his gun up straight to aim at him, only registering who it is after Garrus groans "idiot" at him.

"Shepard!" and Kaidan sounds so relieved to see him, "what's going on?"

Thankfully Liara has taken the time to seal the door behind them and Shepard slowly moves his arms until he's aiming his gun at Udina, watching in satisfaction as the man quickly raises his hands in surrender.

"Shepard's blocking our escape," Udina cries though, even with his hands in the air, "he's with Cerberus!"

Of course Shepard hadn't quite thought this through as he sees Kaidan's face suddenly harden, his eyes moving from Udina to Shepard as he begins to raise his gun again.

"Just, hang on…" and to his credit, Kaidan actually seems suitably calm, even while pointing a gun at Shepard, "I got this. Everyone calm down." 

"Kaidan," Shepard can't stop himself from calling his name, and he winces at Kaidan's flinch, before he starts to lower his own weapon, "I can explain this. Trust me."

"Come on, Shep," and what Shepard said about calm becomes redundant as Kaidan looks slightly hysterical, "Gun drawn on a Councilor… kinda looks bad."

"Please, Kaidan, trust me," and Shepard wishes he'd gone back to see Kaidan when the man had told him he was released, or even when he was in hospital, just _gone back at all_. Maybe this would've been easier.

"Why?" and yeah, there's definitely a tremble in Kaidan's voice.

"We don't have time to negotiate," Shepard practically snaps, and Liara groans behind him, probably at his _stupidity_ , "you've been fooled, all of you. Udina's behind this attack. The Salarian Councilor confirmed it." 

"Please, you have no proof," Udina laughs as he steps forward and Shepard has to look away from Kaidan's hurt face, "you never do."

Kaidan doesn't seem to be paying attention as he just stares at Shepard, and Shepard takes a couple of steps forward until they're maybe an arms length apart, and he eyes the gun aimed at his chest for a moment before he takes a deep breath and looks up. "There are cerberus soldiers in the elevator shaft behind us," he says, gesturing blindly behind him and Kaidan glances at the door with wide eyes, "if you open that door, they'll kill you all." 

Kaidan's breathing is loud enough for Shepard to hear, and he notes the small hitches as he waits out for the answer. It doesn't come from Kaidan though, not as the Asari Councilor steps forward with a grimace on her face.

"We've mistrusted Shepard before, and it did not help us," she says, though she's looking mostly at the Turian Councilor who nods in agreement. Udina on the other hand looks enraged, shaking his head furious as he turns towards Kaidan.

"You are a disgrace of a Spectre," he snaps and Kaidan flinches despite still looking at Shepard, despite still _aiming_ at Shepard, "you let your emotions rule you. Shepard has _betrayed_ us, and yet you stand there willing to listen to him merely because of a childish _crush_."

"Uncalled for," Garrus calls from behind Shepard, and Udina doesn't even give Garrus a look as he stalks towards the burning shuttle.

"We do not have time to debate this!" he cries, "we're dead if we stay out here. I'm overriding the lock."

No one says a word, all looking at Kaidan as he silently moves into Shepard's sightline, still protecting Udina as is his duty. Shepard would admire the man if he wasn't _getting in the way_ … and he finds himself reluctantly fingering the trigger as he… he _has_ to consider the possibility that Kaidan's in the way. 

That Kaidan has to be removed from the situation, and Shepard may have to do it himself.

He's about to do it, he really is despite everything in his body screaming at him not to, when finally, _thankfully_ , Kaidan seems to make a decision and silently nods at Shepard as he offers him a tight smile.

"I better not regret this," he rasps out, his hand tightening on his gun, and Shepard drops his to his side with a shaky breath and shakes his head as the temptation to walk forward and just _touch_ Kaidan rises.

"You won't."

That's all Kaidan seems to need as he walks towards Udina, gun raised as he calmly calls, "Udina, step away from the console."

Udina's glare is icy, "to hell with this," he snaps as he hits a few buttons and the door behind Shepard starts to beep. 

"He's unlocking it," Liara cries, and Shepard watches as she rushes towards it to at least _jam_ the bloody thing. 

It's only a momentary distraction, but as soon as Shepard looks back he sees the Asari Councilor getting pushed to the ground by Udina with a startled cry and-

"He's got a gun!" Kaidan calls and Shepard swears as he raises his gun to train on Udina. He's about take the shot, hell _Udina's_ about to take his at the councilor, when suddenly Kaidan's firing and it's a _perfect_ shot as Udina lets out a wet gurgle and falls to the ground in a crumpled mess.

Shepard finds himself moving quickly, following Kaidan as he approaches Udina's body, shoving past the Turian Councilor as he helps up the Asari Councilor, and he stumbles to a halt right behind the trembling man.

"Kaidan?" he asks softly, and Kaidan gives a rough laugh.

"Yeah, I'm good," and Shepard wants to say _no you're not_ , wants to step forward and ease the gun from Kaidan's trembling fingers and pull the man into a hug, wrap him up and take him away from this _mess_. There's always a difference between shooting people on the battlefield and… an execution.

"Defence in the name of others," Shepard tells him gently as he takes the two steps forward until his hand brushes Kaidan's shoulder, "just remember that, you did this for another's _safety_. You did the _right thing_ ," and Kaidan starts to slump back into him as his body starts to wrack with sobs and-

"The door!" 

The day is just _full_ of surprises, and Shepard automatically pushes Kaidan behind him, his hand staying behind him to keep a firm grasp on Kaidan's forearm. He raises his gun to aim at the door as it's melted down the middle, ordering Liara and Garrus to stand in front of a councilor each, and he hears Kaidan swearing under his breath just as the door slams opens in a shower of sparks.

"Bailey?" Shepard asks in disbelief, his gun already falling to his hip as the captain walks through the door with a grin on his face, a couple of men behind him looking for any enemy activity.

"Made it as fast as we could, Shepard. Looks like you, uh…" he pauses as he looks over at Udina's body, Shepard still shielding Kaidan, Garrus and Liara still with their guns trained on him as they slowly move to Shepard's side, before nodding his head slowly, "took care of things."

Of course it's then the Councilor's barge forward, both with their arms crossed as the Asari Councilor narrows her eyes, "somethings not right. You said Cerberus was targeting us… where did their soldiers go?"

Bailey snorts as he gives the Asari Councilor an unimpressed look, and Shepard has to smother a laugh at the haughty look on her face, "Cerberus was right here, but they beat feet into the keeper tunnels when they figured out we were coming. Sorry Councilor. I'll say it plain. Shepard just saved the lot of you."

 _Great_.

Instantly the two Councilor's are looking at Shepard in what he can only describe as awe as the Turian Councilor steps forward to say, "then you have saved my life twice now, Shepard. I owe you both a personal debt and one on behalf of Palaven."

"You don't owe me anything, Councilor," he says as he waves off the offer, "times like this, we stand together."

The Turian Councilor slowly nods his head, and he feels Garrus nudge his back with a hiss of "should've accepted the life debts", but Shepard just continues to nod at the Councilor as he asks if he knows why the Illusive Man would do this.

 _Because he's a right bastard?_ Shepard wants to say, and he hears Kaidan snort behind him at the question, but instead he just shakes his head, "no, I don't. But I plan to find out."

Luckily Bailey interrupts with a barked, "all right people. Principals are evacuated, we got a tunnel and a million more places to secure. Move it!" and the others all quietly sprint from the room, Garrus and Liara following behind as Shepard lingers to walk with Kaidan.

"Are you sure-" he starts to say, but Kaidan cuts him off with a glare as he pulls his arm from Shepard's grip.

"I'm fine, Shepard," he snaps, "honestly. It's no big deal. I've killed people before."

"Not like this," Shepard disagrees, and Kaidan looks so _lost_  to him, "this isn't the normal way. You shouldn't have had to take the shot," and Shepard steps closer to bump their elbows together, "I'm sorry."

Kaidan looks at him long and hard, and Shepard nearly withers under the glare, before he snorts and pushes away towards the rest of the group.

"Aren't we all?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The longest chapter so far! Hopefully it wasn't too terrible. I kept trying to mix canon with my own ideas and bleh, this happened.
> 
> Poor Kaidan. I always feel so sorry for him here. It's the first time (possibly?) that he's had to kill someone outside of a typical battlefield. Imagine trying to deal with that? Even with Shepard trying to remind him he did it in self-defence.
> 
> ALSO. CAN THESE TWO JUST NOT CATCH A BREAK?
> 
> [my tumblr (if you wanna :D)](http://resacon1990.tumblr.com/)


	10. Kaidan joins the Squad (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Cutscene: [[x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3cW0opupkQ&list=PLCFB508F8F82F0460&index=8)]
> 
> This video shows the two cutscenes, the citadel coup and the recruiting of Kaidan. This chapter is just for the recruitment of Kaidan which begins at 3:15 in the video

They're all pretty shaken after the coup. Garrus leaves quickly, heading in the direction of Purgatory Bar in need of "a stiff drink", Liara leaves for the Normandy even sooner without explanation, but it's Kaidan who leaves them midway to the safety zone with some half-assed excuse, not even waiting for Bailey to secure the safety of the Councilor's before he disappears.

Shepard lingers until Bailey all but pushes him out the door, and he drifts around the shops for a while, peruses the model kits he adores collecting, passes a few clubs, checks in with some of the crew, looks for Kaidan and comes up short until finally fatigue takes over and he chooses to drag himself back to the ship.

It takes a while, he hadn't realised how far into the Wards he'd gotten, but eventually he gets to Bay D24, only to stumble to a halt when he opens the door and sees Kaidan turning to face him, looking more uncomfortable than Shepard suddenly feels.

He stands still for a moment, completely speechless, until Kaidan offers him a tight smile and small wave, and Shepard can't stop himself from grinning as he moves forward to grab Kaidan's elbows tightly.

"Kaidan," he breathes, sounding flustered to his own ears, "hey, I wondered where you went. You okay?"

"I'm trying to wrap my head around what just happened," and Kaidan's smile turns to a grimace as he pulls away from Shepard, his arms falling from Shepard's grasp and Shepard clenches his hands into fists as he looks at the ground.

"You're angry."

Kaidan laughs and tugs his hand through his hair, "more like not use to staring down the gun of someone I've worked with so closely," and Shepard doesn't know what to say as he just stands there staring until Kaidan huffs and crosses his arms, "how it all went down? It's got to me… I don't know."

"Talk to me," Shepard encourages, trying to move closer but Kaidan holds up a hand as he moves back to rest against the wall.

"If I hadn't backed down first… would you have taken me out?"

The question makes Shepard freeze as he just stares at Kaidan, watching the way the man stares back more intently than ever before. He tries for words, but he can't find them as he closes his trembling fists into hands and just tries to _think_.

"I trusted you-"

Kaidan's harsh bark of laughter cuts him off, and Shepard looks at him completely bewildered as Kaidan nearly doubles over, clutching his stomach as he laughs and laughs…

" _Trusted_ me?" he gasps out, his face red and his expression far from mirthful, "of course you did! Because it always comes back to _trust_ doesn't it? Everything is about _trust_! Mars was about _trust_ , the hospital was about _trust_ , the Councilor's… _everything_ since I saw you again on Earth has been about _trust_."

"Kaidan, what-"

"Do you _really_ trust me, Shepard?" Kaidan demands, storming forward to grab Shepard by the shirt, bunching the cloth up into tight fists, "after I've doubted you for so long? After I've questioned my own decisions to trust you continuously? After I've demanded explanations on _why_ I should trust you when I claim I don't even know you?"

"Of course I have-"

"We don't even know each other anymore!" and Shepard flinches as Kaidan shakes him harshly, "you've worked with Cerberus and the man I use to know _never_ would've. You _left_ me, Shepard. You left and came back as someone different."

"And my 'death' changed you," Shepard murmurs, his hands coming up to wrap around Kaidan's as the man laughs so so sadly.

"In ways you don't even know," he mutters, "imagine mourning someone you… you _cared_ about, and then having them turn up again only to be completely different to how you remember them to be? And then…" he stops, and Shepard thinks he might cry with the way his eyes are welling up and his bottom lip involuntary trembles, "and then to realise you still _trust_ them, to realise you would still follow them to the ends of the galaxy if they asked you, despite every instinct inside you telling you not to do it. _Imagine that_."

"Kaidan-"

"So tell me," he interrupts, shaking Shepard once again, only this time it's half hearted, "tell me, _would you have taken the shot_?"

Shepard looks at him, looks at the fiery passion he loves in this man, looks at the hurt and the anger and the pain, looks at who Kaidan really is… and he can't lie to him. Not again.

"Yes."

Kaidan sags against him, and Shepard quickly takes his hands from Kaidan's and draws his arms around him, crushing him to his chest.

"We needed to stop the coup and get Cerberus off the Citadel," he says into Kaidan's hair, "and I couldn't afford to let you stop me. I… I trusted you though. I trusted you would see that I was the right choice. I say now that I would've taken the shot, but that's only because I _didn't_ have to. It doesn't matter now. You came around, _you came around_."

"I just, what if I hadn't?"

"It doesn't matter," Shepard growls, "nothing matters. What's done is done. We stopped the coup, we're all alive, _you're_ alive… it _doesn't_ matter."

"But sometimes the way a thing goes down does matter, Shep," Kaidan argues, his face against Shepard's neck, his fingers clenched in Shepard's shirt still, "later, when you have to live with yourself. Knowing that you acted with integrity… then it matters."

"You're talking about Udina," Shepard realises, and the way Kaidan stiffens against him proves it, "you think he would've come in quietly? Kaidan," he pulls away and cups his cheeks, forcing him to look at him, "he gave you no choice. You had to take the shot. You acted with integrity. I saw the whole thing."

"Shepard-"

"You're a good man," Shepard says, "and you made the right choice in siding with me. Instincts screaming at you or not, you made the _right choice_."

He stills looks close to tears, one hand having travelled from Shepard's shirt to cup his neck, and they stare at each other for a long moment, Kaidan's fingers tracing light patterns on Shepard's skin, before he pulls away and clears his throat.

"Alright," he says, "Thanks, Shepard. There's, ah, another reason I'm here. Hackett offered me a position," he scoffs and gives Shepard a rueful smile. "something about being a war asset and a bunch of things about biotics… but I'd turn it down in a second if there was a chance to join you on the Normandy again."

Something in Shepard's stomach does a flip as he grins at Kaidan, and he doesn't even have to think about the answer as his hand automatically shoots out for Kaidan to shake as he says, "couldn't imagine meeting the Reapers without you."

"Thank you, Commander," and Kaidan looks slightly hesitant before he shakes Shepard's hand and offers him a small, completely sincere, smile, "and, ah, Shep? I need you to know that I'll never doubt you again. I've got your back."

It must have taken some guts to even think that, let alone say it, and Shepard appreciates it. He grins as he squeezes Kaidan's hand tightly and nods.

"Good to know," he pauses and makes sure his smile is gentle as he drops Kaidan's hand gently, "welcome aboard, Major."

"Aye aye, sir."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so we're up to the tenth chapter and I should probably get a motor on because I've only written fifteen now D: So three more to write plus the DLCs.
> 
> Fingers crossed I'll be done soon!
> 
> [my tumblr (if you wanna :D)](http://resacon1990.tumblr.com/)


	11. Thinking about Close Ones

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Cutscene: [[x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PwtliR9yP48&list=PLCFB508F8F82F0460&index=9)]

"Seriously? You're doing this again?"

"Doing what, Garrus?" Shepard sighs as he places the mugs he's holding down onto the bench and aims a glare at the turian, who raises his hands in protest before gesturing at the mugs.

"Hot chocolate has always been Kaidan's favourite," he points out, and Shepard continues to glare at him as he pours out the water and milk, somehow not missing the cups, "and I distinctly remember you always making them for him back when we were first tripping around the galaxy trying to save it's ungrateful ass."

"What're you implying?"

"I'm not implying _anything_ ," Garrus stresses, glaring straight back at Shepard, "what I'm _saying_ is, make sure you know what you're doing. The one Horizon incident was enough for all of us. We don't need a repeat. _You_ don't need a repeat," he sighs as he reaches out to place a hand on Shepard's shoulder, "maybe it would be safer to just… not go there with Kaidan. Wait until everything's over."

"For one," Shepard grits out through his teeth as rolls his shoulder to dislodge Garrus's hand and he picks up the mugs before turning to look properly at the turian, "you're really telling me, _me_ , the person who picked up various strays with clashing personalities and shoved them all on a ship to run full force into a suicide mission, to be _safe_? I thought you knew me better, Garrus."

"I-"

"And _two_ ," he swaps the mugs over until they're both in one hand and reaches out to shove Garrus lightly, "god knows how long we've got left. I screwed up last time by not doing _anything_. I died instead, and for some reason I've been given a second chance. Excuse me for taking it with both hands."

Garrus seems speechless for a long moment, before finally he groans and shakes his head. "Okay," he mutters, "you have a point… just, try not to get hurt. You or Alenko."

Shepard just nods at him and pats his chest, not quite knowing what to say really, before he moves the mugs back to one hand each and turns to leave. He hears Garrus mumble something undoubtedly unflattering, but he doesn't care as he makes his way to the Starboard Observation and gives Kaidan a grin as he walks in to hand him a mug of hot chocolate.

"Keep giving me these and I might just _become_ a hot chocolate," Kaidan comments, and he gives Shepard a shy grin as he takes a sip and groans. Shepard watches him do so, and he can't help but think of Garrus's words before he shut them out and leans against the window beside Kaidan.

"You looked pensive," he says, and Kaidan raises an eyebrow, "what's on your mind?

Kaidan seems  reluctant to answer, and he clenches the mug tightly in both hands before sighing and looking back out the window. "All seems so calm from here," he says, "there are people going through hell in a million different ways… out there. And I want to be fighting alongside them, but I want to be here," he glances at Shepard and offers a small smile, "you know?" 

"Yeah, I know," Shepard mumbles, glancing down into his mug and just watches the way the liquid splashes about for a moment before asking, "thinking of anyone in specific?"

"I heard from my mom, Shep," Kaidan explains, looking lost and forlorn, "my dad… he's MIA. Presumed… well, presumed…" he can't finish the sentence, and Shepard puts the pieces together as he takes the mugs away from them to place down on a table and pulls Kaidan to the couch. 

"Tell me what happened?" he asks as soon as Kaidan's sitting and he's able to crouch in front of him. 

Kaidan looks even more reluctant this time, but his eyes eventually fixate on Shepard's hands as they settle on Kaidan's knees, and he takes a deep breath as he starts explaining more. "Dad's family owns an orchard in the BC interior," he starts, words sloshing together in a bit of a slur as he speaks faster than Shepard's heard him before, "they were headed out there on a shuttle the day of attack. He left mom at the orchard and reported for active duty. It's all we know, but, it's, uh… it's enough. She's alone in this now. In all… this," he gestures out at the window and Shepard grimaces at how _sad_ Kaidan looks.

"I feel for you, Kaidan," he ends up saying, and Kaidan nods at the words, "and I'm glad you told me. There's strength in camaraderie. In empathy."

"Thanks, you're right," and he even laughs a little which makes Shepard's smile turn genuine, "I don't know how you do it, Shep, keeping it all together like you do. Earth is always in the back of my mind, haunting me."

Shepard can't stop himself from feeling a wave of disappointment as he pulls his hands away and stands up. There it is, the comment on Shepard's ability to deal with situations. Even Kaidan isn't above mentioning it, and Shepard moves away from the man to lean against the window, wincing at the confused call of "Shepard?"

"You all think I can keep it together," he says softly, and he hears Kaidan move up to stand behind him, "you all think I'm this sort of strong, untouchable human… but I'm _not_." He turns to face Kaidan, eyes burning as he forces back the churning in his stomach. "You want to know how I do it?" he asks, "how I stop thinking about the millions of people dying, the millions more that are dead, the weight on my shoulders to save the galaxy, that one choice I make can mean the say between whether a species lives or dies?"

"Shepard?"

"The thing is I _never stop thinking about it_ ," he says, and this whole honesty thing sucks if he has to watch the way Kaidan recoils at his words, "I don't. I lie awake at night thinking about every single person affected by my decisions, every single choice I've made and what would've happened if I had made another. I think about it so much it drives me mad. And maybe that's why you all think I can handle it, because I'm so _crazy_ now that an extra bit of craziness thrown into the mix isn't that big of a change."

He doesn't expect Kaidan to reply, and he definitely doesn't expect him to walk forward and swamp Shepard into his arms, but he does and Kaidan's mouth is against his ear and murmuring gentle words to clam him down.

"You're not crazy," he ends up saying, "far from it."

"That's what you think," Shepard sighs, but Kaidan just shakes his head and clips Shepard over the back of his.

"You're not," he reinforces, "far from it. You're probably the only sane one on this ship."

"Not according to Garrus, or Joker, even Liara," Shepard points out, "they all think I'm insane. What with leading suicide missions, trying to save the galaxy-"

"Who's really the crazy ones," Kaidan interrupts, "the leader, or the ones who follow him?" 

When Shepard just stays quiet, not knowing what to say, Kaidan laughs and rubs his knuckles over Shepard's jawbone.

"You know," he says, his hands flattening on either side of Shepard's face to cup it, "when this war is over, there's going to be one hell of a reunion party."

Shepard laughs himself, "hell yeah."

"Dancing in the streets," Kaidan continues wistfully, "hugging and crying. My mum's always wanted to travel off-planet... I think I'll take her."

 _I think I'll come with you_ , Shepard nearly says, but instead he just continues to sink in the smile on Kaidan's face and enjoy the warmth of his palms on his face, until finally they pull away and Shepard picks their drinks back up.

"Thanks for coming by," Kaidan murmurs, his voice rough, as he takes the drink and smiles. Shepard just nods his head, no intentions on leaving just yet, and moves a little closer.

"Good to have you back, Kaidan," is all he says as their sides press together and Kaidan leans into him, the stars out the window flashing by as the hot chocolate simmers in their mugs and Kaidan's breath mingles with his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly guys, I really appreciate all of your comments and reactions to this :) I'm so glad I'm not royally screwing this up!
> 
> Finally! Some fluff! With no angst and with a lovely ending!
> 
> [my tumblr (if you wanna :D)](http://resacon1990.tumblr.com/)


	12. Kaidan's Thoughts on the Illusive Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Cutscene: [[x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WToeEg_uk5g&list=PLCFB508F8F82F0460&index=11)]

He's greeted by a grin when he walks into the room, and Shepard has to take a moment to let Kaidan's happiness at seeing him just sink in.

"Hey," he says with a wink as Shepard hovers in the doorway, "there you are."

"Are you flirting with me?" Shepard asks as he moves forward, laughing at the blush on Kaidan's face as he looks down at his desk in embarrassment. 

"If you have to ask, I'm clearly out of practice," he peeks up at Shepard with a sly grin, "when we've got time, you'll have to let me practice."

Shepard grins as he slides into the seat across from Kaidan, bobbing his head in a nod for an answer as he keeps looking at the man's grin, not quite realising the lull in conversation turns rapidly awkward until Kaidan clears his throat and looks away. 

"You know, I've been just sitting here thinking…" he says as he leans forward to prop his elbows up on the desk, linking his fingers and perching his chin on them. 

"Uh oh," Shepard teases as he crosses his arms and sits back with a grin, "okay, hit me with it."

"So, those Cerberus scientists," and Shepard winces as Kaidan talks, his whole body stiffening at the words. Cerberus, Kaidan and himself never go down well, and after one of those Cerberus being Jacob? Yeah, Shepard doesn't feel particularly tolerable about any bad-mouthing today. "They were good people right?" Kaidan finishes, making Shepard shake away his thoughts, only to frown.

He wants to snap back something rude, something hurtful, because he's just so tired of Kaidan having doubts over Cerberus. Especially Jacob who'd somehow survived the suicide mission, probably on humour alone, and Shepard likes his new fiancée even though he'd spent most the time on the Normandy wondering if Miranda would choose him or Jacob and secretly hoping for the latter. She never would've understood how he was still in love with "the bitchy alliance officer on Horizon". 

"What do you mean?" he ends up saying sternly, settling in his seat and raising an eyebrow. Kaidan looks suitably chastised as he glances down at his desk, biting his lip nervously. 

"I mean, Dr. Cole and her team, they seemed like… like good people."

"Kaidan," he interrupts, reaching across to tug a hand out from under Kaidan's head and hold it tightly in his own, "you need to stop thinking they're all bad. Cerberus is just like the Alliance, just like every other faction out there. Maybe not in morals and ideals, but there are good and bad people in them. It's not all black and white," he strokes his thumb over Kaidan's knuckles, giving him a small smile, "Jacob and those other scientists? They _are_ good people. They always will be. I knew Jacob, remember? I trusted him with my life numerous times. Don't think I'd do that so willingly."

Kaidan looks contemplative for a long moment, watching him with concerned eyes before he sighs and squeezes their hands. "So, knowing that, what do we do?," he mumbles, "what if there are more like them trapped inside Cerberus, struggling to get out?"

"Tell me what you think we should do."

"I don't know, Shep," Kaidan laughs bitterly, "these are the hard calls. The decision to 'sacrifice the one for the many', the choice to leave someone behind… until you're in that moment," he looks up and his smile is forced as he mumbles, "like Virimire."

Shepard can't stop himself from pulling away and closing his hands into fists, the thought of the decision he had to make, Ash or Kaidan, making him tense up even more. Maybe coming here to talk to Kaidan hadn't been the best idea.  

"So yeah, you know, I don't know."

"Anyone that comes forward, like these people, we help, no matter what. That's the best we can do," and Shepard tries not to feel like a broken record saying that, but it feels foreign to him. He wants to help everyone, not just those that feel they can ask, "sometimes the best we can do won't feel like enough, but it's all we've got."

Kaidan watches him for a long moment before he pushes back his chair and gets up, moving away towards the nearby window, and Shepard doesn't hesitate in standing up to join him.

"So, the scientists that put you back together… that saved your _life_ , they were good people?" Kaidan asks after a long moment, and Shepard reaches up to clasp his shoulder.

"They were professionals. I didn't know them all."

"And the Illusive Man?"

"Was he a good person?"

Kaidan smiles as he turns into Shepard, surprising him by nudging his head forward to rest on Shepard's shoulder and breathe, "once? Ever?" against his neck.

Shepard frowns, his hand slipping down to rest on Kaidan's hip, and he contemplates derailing the conversation to ask about… _this_ , but he instead sighs and drops his head to rest on Kaidan's.

"Well, he gave me what I needed to stop the Collectors," he explains, and Kaidan laughs, his breathe tickling Shepard's skin.

"Right. Exactly. But so you never saw this coming from them? From him?" and Shepard stands speechless for a moment before Kaidan huffs and starts to move away as he says, "sorry, I'm not sure what I want you to say here. I guess I'm looking for some sort of insight on the Illusive Man… something."

Shepard quickly pulls him back, both arms slung causally around Kaidan's hips as he mutters his reply, "back then, he wanted the best for humanity, and he had resources to spare. But then it became humanity first and at any cost. And that… that's a very different thing. But this?" he pauses and reaches up to brush a hand through Kaidan's hair, "no. I never saw this coming from him."

They stand in silence for a while, just soaking each other in, and Shepard nearly asks what's happening, what's going on between them, but he decides to save it. To let Kaidan be the one to make the first move, and with the way the man's hands are drawing light shapes into Shepard's lower back… he doesn't doubt that it will be soon.

"Thanks, Shepard," Kaidan finally says when they pull apart, although Shepard drags his fingertips up so they're still pressed to the back of his neck, "I'm glad we could talk about this. I know… I know my _mistrust_ must be driving you insane right now."

" _You're_ driving me insane right now," Shepard can't stop himself from saying, but luckily Kaidan just laughs, "you should find a way to take your mind off things. Stewing over it all isn't helping your sanity."

Kaidan's hand comes up to cover Shepard's on Kaidan's neck, and Shepard can't help but grin. "I know," Kaidan says, "Joker did ask me to give him some poker tips. He keeps losing his shirt to James."

Shepard chuckles, grinning at Kaidan as he squeezes his neck gently, "good luck with that. Joker has a terrible poker face."

"I do like a challenge," Kaidan grins, and Shepard doesn't think he imagines the saucy grin before Kaidan's moving to sit back at his desk and Shepard's walking towards the door.

He pauses, just briefly, and he looks back into the room with a grin.

"For the record," he says, making Kaidan look up with a raised eyebrow, "I'd rather see you lose your shirt to me."

Kaidan instantly turns red, his mouth hanging open, and Shepard can't help but laugh his way out of the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got it wrong, the Romantic Dinner is next chapter guys. I changed around the ordering of the scenes in the playlist on youtube.
> 
> [my tumblr (if you wanna :D)](http://resacon1990.tumblr.com/)


	13. Romantic Dinner Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Cutscene: [[x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCthpHkIMww&index=10&list=PLCFB508F8F82F0460)]

"I might be a bit nervous," Shepard admits as he walks down the halls towards the restaurant Kaidan is undoubtedly already at. His palms are sweating, he's desperately trying to tug the sleeves of his jacket over them to dry them up, he's worrying his lip and Tali is laughing her ass off.

"You're so dramatic, Shepard," she says as she reaches out to push him gently, "what's to be nervous about? It's just a date."

"It's not a _date_ ," he snaps, and Tali snorts.

"Call it what you want," she laughs, "but everyone knows it's a date. Maybe Kaidan's finally decided he's sick of waiting for you to pull your head out of your ass and is making the first move in making whatever this cat-and-mouse game is _official_."

Shepard stares at her in shock for a moment, not quite use to that language from her. "You've been hanging out with Garrus too much," he mutters, and she giggles before shoving him through the door and right into a grinning waiter.

"Can I help you, sir?" he asks, and Shepard glares once at a waving Tali before allowing the waiter to take his name and lead him over towards where Kaidan is sitting.

It's a gorgeous view, he sees, a lovely look down over the presidium, but its the man sitting at the table that catches his eye. The grin on Kaidan's face when he nears the table makes Shepard's stomach flip, and he takes a moment to look over the man with his neat hair, happy smile, and… oh, well that explains why he couldn't find his usual leather jacket when he was getting ready then.

"Stealing my clothes, Major?" he asks as he slips into his seat, and he grins at Kaidan's blush as he just shrinks into Shepard's jacket more.

"Sorry," he mumbles, "it was out in the common area and I just… well, I didn't mean-"

"Looks good," Shepard interrupts. reaching over to run his fingers down Kaidan's arm, "real good. I like it."

Kaidan stares at him for a long moment, eyes wide and mouth open, and Shepard gives him a wink that has him scrambling for his menu to hide his blush.

"I'm, ah… surprised this place can still get supplies for a menu like this," he comments, clearing his throat and making Shepard grin even harder at how flustered he is.

"Maybe it's better if we don't ask how… or where."

Kaidan drops his menu down a bit to give him a funny smile, before he sighs and throws it onto the table. "I'm glad we're taking the time to do this," he says, giving Shepard a shy smile, "I could use a sanity check." 

"Things have been crazy," Shepard agrees as he leans back into his seat and just enjoys looking Kaidan. Yeah. The jacket really looks good on him.

"Am I going to have to take this off?" Kaidan jokes, and Shepard just gives him a grin as Kaidan does very much the opposite and tugs the jacket around him even tighter. "You know," he continues after a moment of heated staring, "my life flashed in front of my eyes on Mars… and there weren't enough moments like this, with people I care about."

Right. Mars. That had happened, hadn't it?

"How are you feeling these days?" he asks quietly, leaning forward and trying to look as sincere as possible. Kaidan just shakes his head and smiles though as he reaches out to tap his fingers against the back of Shepard's hand.

"Feeling up to whatever the Reapers throw at me," he says, " grateful that I convinced you to sit down for half a second and relax. And… ah," he looks reluctant before finally sighing. "A bit frustrated with what's happening with _this_ ," he finishes as he taps his fingers a bit harder on Shepard's and, earning Shepard's attention.

He smiles as he turns his hand over and captures Kaidan's tightly. "Yeah," he says, "I think it's a good time for us to have a heart to heart," he says, and looks up to see Kaidan nodding in agreement, "what're you drinking?"

"If you're trying to butter me up, it might take a nice steak sandwich, too," Kaidan laughs, and Shepard loves to watch Kaidan laugh.

"So…?"

Kaidan gives him a funny look before he says, "shot of whiskey and a good old Canadian lager. Think they'll have it?"

Shepard snorts as he picks up the menu with his free hand. "More likely to have Batarian Shard Wine," he comments, and Kaidan just sighs wistfully as he leans back in his chair, his hand slipping from Shepard's grasp.

"At my parents place in Vancouver, I drank more than a few beers on their balcony, looking over English Bay. Yeah," he pauses and smiles at nothing in particular, memories probably, "beautiful view… You know what, though? I feel good about our chances."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," he laughs almost sadly, "lets me sleep better at night."

Instantly Shepard feels concern, something he's not quite use to, and he frowns as he asks, "you not sleeping, Kaidan?"

_You would know_ , he can't help but think, _if you'd "pulled your head from you ass" sooner_.

"Maybe a little restless…" Kaidan says, "it's just, you plan a career, you focus, then suddenly the world's ending and it's too late to…" he seems to thinking about his next words carefully before he looks straight at Shepard with a smile, "find someone."

"Someone?" Shepard can't stop himself from asking, feeling utterly confused at the vagueness of the statement, and he knows he must sound hurt as Kaidan winces.

"We've been friends a long time, Shep. Ever known me to be with anyone?" and Shepard almost says _himself_ but… well they've never actually been together have they? "Guess I'm choosy or patient or… I don't know. Maybe what I've never found… what I want… is something deeper with someone I already… care about."

Shepard finds himself speechless, just looking at Kaidan with wide eyes as he tries to process what Kaidan had said.

"That's what I want," Kaidan suddenly pipes up, sounding rushed and Shepard curses himself for taking too long to reply, "what do you what?"

"You and me? Is that what you're saying, Kaidan?" he asks, just to be sure, and Kaidan's answering grin as his fingers slink back over to hold Shepard's hand makes Shepard feel _warm_.

"It feels right," Kaidan mumbles, "doesn't it?"

"Be nice to have someone to turn to when things get grim. Someone to live for. Maybe love."

_Maybe love?_ Shepard laughs, he's pretty damn sure he's head over heels for this man already, and from Kaidan's raised eyebrow he's pretty sure the man is thinking the exact same thing.

"Someone?"

"You, Kaidan," and he pauses briefly before he's glancing down at their entwined fingers, "I, ah, have to admit, I never thought this would really happen. I just… we've skirted around this for so long, so much so that Liara's chewed me out for being useless-"

Kaidan laughs, "yeah, even Garrus has asked if we're finally together considering how familiar we are with each other. Apparently lots of physical contact is unusual for turians if they're not in a relationship."

Shepard levels him with a pointed look as he points out, "it's unusual for humans too," Kaidan just grins as he looks shyly at the table, and Shepard contemplates stopping this discussion now, but decides to press on.

"But then…" he starts, "then I, well I died and left you for two years. And then when we met again…"

"I was an idiot," Kaidan interjects, looking determined, and Shepard smiles at him.

"You were, and so was I. I should've gone after you. I should've persuaded the Illusive Man and Anderson to tell me where you were instead of just letting them order me around. And then Mars happened and…" he stops to swallow back the lump in his throat, "and I thought you weren't going to make it for a long time. It was stupid, Chakwas and Michel are amazing women, there was no way they were going to let you slip through their fingers. But still I…" Kaidan's smile is gentle, patient, and Shepard is so thankful that he just waits for him to continue, "then the Citadel coup, and I… I had to consider taking the shot and… and…"

"Shep," Kaidan lightly cuts him off, his hand coming up to cup Shepard's cheek as he leans across the distance between them, "it's _okay_."

"I just…" he sighs, pulls himself together, leans forward and kisses Kaidan.

There's no fireworks, no sudden revelation of some grand proportion. Kaidan squeaks in surprise and his fingers pressing hard against Shepard's cheekbone for a moment before he sighs and leans into the kiss, and Shepard lifts his hand to press to the back of Kaidan's neck, pulling Kaidan in deeper into the kiss. It's warm and gentle, and Shepard can feel tingles in his mouth that run through him and he forces himself not to grin until he can't help it and pulls away with a gentle laugh.

"It does feel right. After all this time. You and me. I like that. A lot," he says breathlessly, pressing their foreheads together as Kaidan grins right back at him.

"And that, makes me so happy," he whispers against Shepard's lips, before he pulls away a little and gives Shepard a saucy smirk, "and there are benefits to that happiness…"

"Really?" Shepard growls, his hand tightening on Kaidan's neck slightly.

"Yes, really," and Shepard can't help but laugh as he leans in for one more kiss before he pulls away completely, keeping a firm hold on Kaidan's hand with one of his as the other trails down over Kaidan's shoulder and arm, pausing to rest at his elbow.

"What'd you call it," he asks, "a sanity check?"

Kaidan laughs, squeezes his hand, makes Shepard feel light.

"Yeah, a sanity check." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> F-F-FINALLY!
> 
> [my tumblr (if you wanna :D)](http://resacon1990.tumblr.com/)


	14. Kaidan about Project Lazarus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Cutscene: [[x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylfJqvnoCOw&list=PLCFB508F8F82F0460&index=13)]

Ladders. Shepard hates ladders. Whoever designed this stupid headquarters and put _ladders_ everywhere is definitely on his shit list.

The only positive? The lovely view as Kaidan climbs above him.

"Looking good, soldier," he calls out with a grin, and Kaidan huffs as he purposeful drops his foot down to attempt to kick Shepard in the face.

"Eyes front, Shepard," Kaidan snaps, and Shepard laughs as he pulls himself up a few more rungs until he's practically on top of Kaidan, difficult considering their bulky armor.

"They most certainly are," he purrs and Kaidan groans as he jabs Shepard with his elbow.

"You're incorrigible," he mutters before glaring over his shoulder at Shepard, "you realise we're currently on a high risk mission, right?"

Shepard laughs as Kaidan shoots up the ladder, right behind EDI, and calls, "doesn't mean I can't appreciate the view!" before jumping up the last few rungs and lifting himself onto the next floor.

EDI's staring at him when he looks up, and he doesn't want to know what questions she'll ask about human behavior next, but thankfully she turns towards the door with her omni-tool out while Kaidan tugs Shepard up to his feet.

He's tempted to make another cheeky comment, just to see Kaidan blush, but EDI interrupts his thoughts as she calls out to him.

"Shepard," she says and points at one of the consoles against the wall, "that console has not been fully scrubbed. It contains data you may find interesting."

"What am I looking at?" he asks as he lets go of Kaidan's arms and walks over to it, cautious and curious as he reaches out to scroll through the available files.

There's a heavy silence for a moment, broken when Shepard looks up at EDI and she reluctantly says, "Project Lazarus. Your reconstruction."

He hears Kaidan's breath catch behind him, and he focuses on swallowing the new lump in his throat as he reaches out to play the first file.

The screen flickers with static for a moment, before Shepard sees an unidentified scientist talking to a hologram of the Illusive Man.

" _It can't be done,_ "the scientist says, " _it's not a matter of resources._ "

" _It's always a matter of resources. We're not losing Shepard._ " Shepard smiles bitterly to himself at the Illusive Man's tone, at how Shepard sounds more like a thing than a person to him.

" _Sir, Shepard is clinically brain-dead. After that much trauma, that long with no oxygen… we cannot overcome nature._ "

" _Operative Lawson disagrees. She is now in charge of Project Lazarus._ "

The screen flickers once again, a jump in the recording, before it cuts out and Shepard is left staring at the menu, trying to breathe as the words " _clinically brain-dead_ " repeat in his head over and over.

"I didn't realise it was that bad," he finally manages to say, and he relaxes when Kaidan's hand is on his shoulder and the comfort of his front against Shepard's back appears.

"I thought you were just on life support," Kaidan admits, and he sounds reluctant and guilty to Shepard, "clinically brain-dead…"

"Looks like," Shepard grits out, clenching his fists around the edge of the console.

"What was it like?" Kaidan asks, his hand leaving Shepard's shoulder to cover Shepard's fist, "I mean, if you remember or…" he pauses, sighs, starts again, "how do you feel?"

"I'm still me," he retorts, even though he knows this _isn't_ a fight, "I doubt I'd have been able to turn against Cerberus otherwise. I don't remember anything. Maybe they really just fixed me, or maybe I'm just a high-tech VI that thinks it's Commander Shepard." He laughs bitterly, feeling lost and confused, and Kaidan's gentle hum of acknowledgement as he stays right beside Shepard makes him sigh as he drops his head. "But I don't know. I…"

"You're real enough for me," Kaidan interrupts, and Shepard jumps when Kaidan's lips are suddenly on his temple, and he tries to fight back whatever he's feeling as he reaches out to play the next video.

It's the same scientist and the Illusive Man again, the scientist pacing up and down in front of the hologram as he prattles.

" _Tissue regeneration is proceeding. The helmet kept the brain intact… for whatever good that'll do._ "

" _Lawson will find a way_ ," the Illusive Man says, and Shepard acknowledges that yeah, she did.

" _Sir, Shepard's an Alliance Soldier. As far as he knows, we're a terrorist organization._ "

" _Shepard's a soldier. He knows the Reapers are the real threat. He'll work with us._ " 

The screen blinks out once again, and Shepard tries to go straight for the next video when Kaidan's voice cuts through the tension in the air.

"He knew you well," he says, and Shepard practically flinches.

"Every instinct I had told me not to trust Cerberus," he reassures, but the look on Kaidan's face when he turns to him shows he doesn't need to reassure him, that Kaidan… _trusts him_ , "but I needed their help, so I played along." 

"You were trying to protect humanity. You didn't have a choice," Kaidan says, and Shepard frowns as he turns to look at him.

"A few weeks ago you would've said otherwise," he points out, knowing he's just looking for a fight, for anything to distract him from the thoughts in his head.

Kaidan just smiles at him though and reaches up to press his gloved hand against Shepard's cheek. "A few weeks ago I didn't understand," he says quietly, "a few weeks ago I would've condemned you over anything about Cerberus," Shepard has too look away, unable to look at the sincerity on Kaidan's face, "a few weeks ago I was an _idiot_."

"What do you mean was?" Shepard asks, his voice strained even to his ears despite his attempt at a joke, "you still are."

Kaidan laughs and leans forward to properly kiss Shepard this time, and Shepard lingers longer than he should, soaking in the feeling of Kaidan's lips on his, enjoying the moment, until they pull away and Shepard reluctantly plays the last video.

It's a different scientist that comes on screen this time, along with another lady who looks hesitant, and Shepard wonders what happened to the other one. Dead, probably. Nobody speaks out against the Illusive Man. Let alone twice.

" _Project Lazarus is reporting neurological activity. They're requesting more funding_ ," the male scientist says.

" _Granted. Get me our potential recruits file. Shepard will be up soon. We need a crew,_ " and Shepard winces a bit at that. Everyone from the Normandy SR-1, they'd all been on the Cerberus list.

" _Our existing forces should be more than sufficient._ " the female scientist argues, and Shepard snorts. Disagreeing with the Illusive Man. Did they know nothing?

" _No. We need sympathetic faces. I need Shepard invested. Tap Kelly Chambers and recruit Donnelly. I imagine Miss Daniels will follow. We'll want some old friends as well. Contact Doctor Chakwas, and send me the psych profile on Shepard's pilot… along with a bottle of 47 Thessia Red_."

Shepard knows his breathing is short and hitched, and Kaidan's hands on his hips and spinning him around to face him makes it worse. Luckily Kaidan seems to have a better plan as he tugs Shepard close and lets him bury his face in his neck.

"He used those people as a shield. You never saw what Cerberus really was,"  he says, and Shepard doesn't think about the irony, doesn't think about Kaidan's arms tightening when he undoubtedly feels the unexpected wetness on his skin.

"I think I wish they'd just left me," he says quietly, "just left me in space. Or maybe in a coffin. They played me, used me to do what they wanted me to do-"

"Stop thinking," Kaidan shushes as he pulls Shepard away to bump their foreheads together, but Shepard can't stop himself from feeling miserable as he clenches his eyes shut and just _breathes_.

They stay in silence for a long moment, Shepard just sinking in Kaidan's arms, until finally EDI calls for them, and Shepard remembers they're on a mission, a _high risk_ mission.

"I'm sorry," he apologizes as he pulls away, heading towards EDI who nods her head, but he's stopped by Kaidan pulling on his hand and tugging him back around to face him.

"No," he chassises, "never be sorry."

Shepard has to stop himself from kissing him right there, and instead he just squeezes Kaidan's hand and offers him a small smile, trying to reassure.

"Let's go kill some Cerberus bastards," he says, and Kaidan grins as he hefts his gun up and gestures for Shepard to lead the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed the last chapter :) And this one! I've been so keen to rewrite this scene with Shepard actually getting _emotional_ about Project Lazarus, and Kaidan comforting him. 
> 
> I just really wanted to write Shepard not being so strong. I've always liked to think that Kaidan and Shepard getting together made Shepard loosen up, less desperate to try to be the big strong guy. I'm also a sucker for hurt/comfort. Sue me XD
> 
> [my tumblr (if you wanna :D)](http://resacon1990.tumblr.com/)


	15. Sex Scene (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Cutscene: [[x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIB3vC9R9Xc&list=PLCFB508F8F82F0460&index=15)]
> 
> And by sex scene, I mean there is **no** sex, sorry.
> 
> Also, this scene was also cut into two, with this chapter ending at 2:38 in the video.

Datapads litter the desk, the words and numbers on them on a constant scroll as EDI updates them regularly with new numbers and statistics, percentages that go up and down every five minutes, odds that change every handful of seconds as more and more variables are counted up, and Shepard can feel pressure starting to build in his temples as he looks at the datapad assigned with Garrus's weapons and just sees _every single flaw_.

He paces up and down, contemplating sitting in his chair at his desk to take a moment to just _breathe_ , but he sees statistics he doesn't like, too low to guarantee Garrus's safety, and he quickly turns to storm out of the room with every intention on lecturing Garrus until those statistics rise into safer territory.

Of course, he walks straight into Kaidan as soon as he opens the door, and both stumble back with twin cries of surprise.

Kaidan manages to steady himself quickly though, reflexes fast, and he raises an eyebrow at Shepard as he asks, "can't sleep either?" with a tired smile. Shepard takes the time to look him over, noting the bags under his eyes and the slope of his shoulders, the glasses in one hand and the bottle of whiskey in the other, the nervous slouch of his posture.

"No," Shepard simply replies after a hesitant moment, and Kaidan nods and gestures at the datapad still clenched in Shepard's grip as he slips past him into Shepard's room.

"Making yourself crazy with this won't help," he points out as he walks away, and Shepard glances at the elevator once before he sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose.

"Kaidan," he mutters, "I need to-" but Kaidan shakes his head as he shushes him, and he raises the glasses in his hand as he offers Shepard a bright smile.

"Just five minutes," he insists, "a quick drink. And then I'll go."

"Kaidan…"

" _Shepard_."

He runs his hands over his scalp as he glances once again between Kaidan and the elevator, before he finally lets out a reluctant sigh and closes the door. Kadian's happy grin is enough to make him smile, thankfully, and he drops the datapad on his desk amongst the others as he makes his way down the short stairs to stop behind Kaidan.

"Shepard," he says as he pours them both a drink, "you know that you've done everything you can, right?"

Instantly Shepard finds himself on edge, and he reaches out to take the drink offered as he moves past to sink down onto the couch, knowing that Kaidan's worried eyes are undoubtedly following him.

"I hope so," he mumbles against the rim of his cup as he swallows the whiskey, the one he'd gotten Kaidan from the hospital, he realizes, as it burns his throat the whole way down, "I keep running numbers to see if I've missed something, anything. I can't afford to make any mistakes, Kaidan."

There's a quiet hum of acknowledgment from Kaidain, and Shepard considers downing his entire glass just to distract himself, when Kaidan is suddenly slipping down onto the seat beside him and his hands are running along Shepard's chest.

"You don't have to take this all on yourself," he says into the silence, and Shepard looks up to see the kindest look he's ever received from anyone etched on Kaidan's face, "look to your _crew_ … to the talented people fighting by your side." Kaidan's hands run up to cups Shepard's cheeks, his thumbs stroking his jawbone as he continues. "What you've accomplished since the Reapers arrived? It's nothing short of amazing, Shep. It's something no other could have done," he smiles softly, "but _you_ have, and it's… it's gonna be," he seems lost for words before he sighs, "it's gonna be what it is."

"I can't fail, Kaidan," Shepard finally says, "not again. Not this many people. I can't…"

"You don't owe anyone anything," Kaidan argues, tugging on Shepard's cheeks until he meets Kaidan's eyes, "not a single person."

"But they all depend-"

Kaidan's shaking his head though and cutting Shepard off with a sad smile. "Stop this, Shepard," he says gently, "stop this. You can't keep worrying for everyone else. What will be, will be."

"I just…" Shepard sighs as he pulls from Kaidan's grip and stares down at the drink in his hands, "I just feel like there's something coming up, something big, something that I'm going to have to make a choice in. And I… I don't like this. I don't like have the fate of the galaxy literally resting on my shoulders," he smiles ruefully, his hands playing with the glass, "I mean, who am I to make a decision for all of mankind?"

Kaidan reaches down to take the glass from his hand and places it on the table before turning back to place his hands in Shepard's, holding them tightly as he says, "you're Shepard. You're savior to this galaxy. You've protected everyone so many times Shepard," he leans forward and presses their foreheads together, "maybe you should let us, let _me_ , protect you."

He stares at Kaidan for a long moment, sees the kind eyes, the gentle smile, feels the way his hand brushes his palms and the other slides up his back to knead his neck, hears Kaidan's steady breaths mingling with his slightly hitched ones, and there's a lump of emotion building up in his throat, pricking his eyes, and he lets out a shuddering gasp.

"I'm scared," he admits, his voice barely a whisper, and Kaidan looks so _soft_ as he squeezes the back of his neck with that gentle smile still on his face.

"I know."

Their lips meet, Shepard not even realising they'd gotten closer with each breath, but he quickly closes his eyes and falls into the kiss, his hands coming up to twist in the material of Kaidan's shirt as he hauls the man closer. Kaidan's no gentler, his hands on Shepard's neck and back, and he pulls him as tightly against him as possible as they practically meld together. It's needy and urgent, and Shepard sinks into Kaidan, desperate for the reassurance, the kindness, for _everything_ this man can offer him.

Somehow he ends up crawling into Kaidan's lap, straddling him as he pushes against him with his fists still balled up in his shirt, and Kaidan's hands have slipped to Shepard's hips, making him shudder when Kaidan's thumbs slink under his shirt and press into the two small hollows in his lower back, and he makes a small desperate noise in the back of his throat that has Kaidan groaning.

They pull away gasping for breath and Shepard presses his forehead into Kaidan's neck as he tries to stop the room from spinning, keeping his eyes closed as Kaidan hums and draws small circles across the skin of his back.

"The world might end tomorrow," he ends up saying after they get their breath back, and Kaidan laughs pleasantly, his chest rumbling against Shepard's as he presses a kiss to his shoulder.

"My world will never end, as long as I'm with you," Kaidan replies, and Shepard frowns before he pulls away with a raised eyebrow and grin.

"Cheesy," he says, and Kaidan just laughs at him before pulling him down for a longer kiss, this one more slow and deliberate, the two taking time to explore each others mouths and bodies as shirt's come off and belt's are shed, as skin presses against skin, as Shepard drowns in the feeling of Kaidan's hands and lips on him.

Kaidan even impresses him when he somehow manages to stand up, Shepard's legs still around his hips, and moves them towards the bed. "Been exercising with James and Garrus?" Shepard can't stop himself from asking as he wraps his arms around his shoulders and his fingers grip Kaidan's skin tightly, and Kaidan's pleasant laugh as he drops him onto the bed unceremoniously makes him feel warm inside.

Just looking at the other man's smile, hearing his laugh, just _Kaidan's_ everything makes the dread and worry flitter away. Kaidan leans forward to cover Shepard's body with his own, a murmur of "just kiss me, idiot" passing between them, and Shepard can't help but laugh quietly, his hands reaching up to tangle in Kaidan's hair and his thighs clenching around Kaidan's hips as he flips them over, hovering over Kaidan's body as he grins.

"You're amazing, you know," he says as he sits on Kaidan's hips, his fingertips tracing the lines on Kaidan's face before settling down on his chest, palms flat, and his grin dissolves into a soft smile, "I don't do emotions, Kaidan, I've never been good with them. I honestly have no idea how you've put up with me all this time but-"

"You're perfect, Shep," Kaidan interrupts, sitting up and leaning back on one hand, the other cupping Shepard's cheek, "and I _love_ you. Only you. You're it for me, Shep. You're my one."

Shepard's not use to the feeling of butterflies, and he can't help but gasp a little at the fluttering in his stomach as Kaidan's murmurs the words all across his chest, whispering them over and over again until he pulls him in to kiss him, gentle presses of their lips that has Shepard's toes curling and his head feeling so _so_ light.

He loves Kaidan too, he tells himself as Kaidan rolls them over again and grins at him, his fingers pressing into Shepard's hips to pin him down as he trails his lips over Shepard's chest and down his sides, making him squirm with more laughter at the ticklish feeling.

He'll always love him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo! That was most certainly not awkward to write at all XD I'm trying to keep this relatively PG, so I didn't go too into detail with their antics (the next chapter is a bit worse, just warning you now), and hopefully this was okay!
> 
> Holla, Kaidan looooves Shepard XD
> 
> [my tumblr (if you wanna :D)](http://resacon1990.tumblr.com/)


	16. Sex Scene (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Cutscene: [[x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIB3vC9R9Xc&list=PLCFB508F8F82F0460&index=15)]
> 
> And by sex scene, I mean there is **no** sex, sorry, although there is some heavy implications ;)
> 
> Also, this scene was also cut into two, with this chapter beginning at 2:39 in the video.

A nightmare, he thinks as he lurches up in bed with wide eyes and a gasp, it is _just a nightmare._

"Breathe," he mutters to himself as he sinks back into his pillow and covers his face, "just breathe. Everything will be okay."

It doesn't help that much. He can still hear the screams of innocents in his head, the calls of the dead, Ash, Mordin, Thane, Legion, the original crew of the first Normandy. He can still see the Reapers annihilating planet after planet, husks overrunning the ground, Marauders, Brutes, Banshees, Scions, Abominations. _Everything_ just _destroying_ and he forces himself to suck in a shaky breath as he tries to just _calm down_.

It takes a while, he has to mumble more and more to himself until he hears a sigh behind him and the feeling of a hand drawing gentle patterns on his side makes him jolt at first before it slowly helps him to relax. Eventually though he manages to breathe perfectly fine, and he pucks up the courage to sit up and look down at the frowning Kaidan, his pursed lips and concerned eyes making Shepard feel bad for waking him up for _this_.

"What's up?" Kaidan asks as his hand slips across Shepard's lower back and reaches around Shepard's body to settle on his thigh, making Shepard grimace as he covers Kaidan's hand with his and entwines their fingers.

"Nothing," he ends up saying after a few beats of silence, and Kaidan raises an eyebrow as he props himself up on his elbow and moves a bit closer.

"If it was nothing," he says, pushing Shepard's stomach until Shepard leans back against his body, fitting perfectly in the curve of Kaidan's hips, "then why are you panicking?"

"If you already know the answer, why are you asking the question?"

Kaidan laughs at Shepard's terse reply, and he rubs his free hand over Shepard's back as if to knead out the stress, making Shepard close his eyes and groan. "Because I want you to tell me," he explains, "assuming gets you nowhere, and I'm done with us getting nowhere."

"Well," Shepard says with a small smile, "we're definitely somewhere now," and he gestures at their entwined bodies as Kaidan smiles back at him. 

"Please tell me?"

Shepard stays silent for a little longer. Not out of distrust, which even he admits is probably a first, or even malice. He just doesn't want to frighten Kaidan, to bring up bad memories and horror stories on the eve of the final battle. He doesn't want to scare him or hurt him, or make him regret anything.

But then again, he thinks as he just watches the stars out the window and Kaidan patiently waits for his answer, not telling him hurts him in the long run.

"Ash," he finally admits, and Kaidan's hand on his hip squeezes his skin lightly. They've talked about her more since Kaidan has joined the crew. Even coerced Joker into talking about her too. Shepard will never forget sitting in the mess and watching Joker spin tales about Ash into his whiskey as tears dry on his face and Kaidan laughs with him, her memory hot in the air that night.

"Just Ash?"

"Mordin, Thane, Legion… everyone. I can't stop seeing their faces, or hearing their voices. I can't stop thinking about what if's. Wondering if I could've saved both you and Ash on Virmire, stopped Mordin from going up that tower and still somehow cured the genophage, could've avoided Leng _stabbing_ Thane… Legion, just _Legion_ … I-"

"They're no doubt proud of you, Shep," Kaidan murmurs from behind him, silencing him as Shepard tries to stop his trembling hands, "their sacrifices weren't in vain."

"Are we gonna make it, Kaidan?" he ends up whispering, and Kaidan's hand stills on his back before the bed dips under his weight as he moves to wrap his hand around the back of Shepard head and pulls him forward to make him meet his eyes. 

"We're ready," Kaidan reassures him firmly, his hand jerking Shepard's head a bit as he shakes him, "you've put the people together, the vision… and what you've done, Shepard, is build hope."

Shepard watches him for a long moment, looking for an answer for an unasked question, but all he sees is just pure determination and confidence. He sighs as he looks away and Kaidan's hand falls into his lap and he cups it in both of his.

"I'm glad I inspire that in you, but sometimes…" he groans as he runs a hand over his face before smiling at Kaidan as he strokes his cheek, "you're right. Give us hope and a fighting chance. Hell, the Reapers better watch themselves."

Kaidan's answering grin makes Shepard feel giddy, and he pinches Kaidan's chin between his thumb and forefinger before tugging him in for a light press of lips. Kaidan hums as they kiss, his fingers tightening on Shepard's thigh and fingers, and Shepard sighs contently as he rubs his hand gently over Kaidan's chest before he goes to stand up.

"Shepard," Kaidan calls though just as he stands, and he glances behind him just once in time to yelp as Kaidan drags him back down and settles on top of him with a playful grin.

His brain short-circuits quite quickly when he realizes that a very naked, very _attractive_ , Kaidan is lying right between his legs, and he has to take a few deep breathes before he realizes that Kaidan is actually talking to him.

"… what?" he blurts, and Kaidan's grin turns practically lecherous as he crawls up Shepard's chest even further.

"I asked," he says as he leans forward to mouth at Shepard's collarbone, "what you would do if you knew this was your last night alive?"

"Bit of a heavy question, isn't it?" he manages to gasp out as Kaidan's hand starts to roam around between his legs, and Kaidan laughs breathlessly against his chest.

"And this conversation isn't?"

"Fair point," Shepard agrees before he reluctantly pushes Kaidan off of him and stands up. Kaidan pouts at him, something Shepard doesn't think he should find adorable but _definitely_ does, and he just winks as he rolls his shoulders back. "I think I'd have a shower," he says as he walks towards the bathroom, and he pauses on the steps to raise an eyebrow, "care to join?"

He laughs as Kaidan scrambles off the bed as gracefully as a baby animal, but his laugh catches in his throat as the sheet falls away and he definitely gets a good eyeful.

"You're catching flies," Kaidan teases as he struts past with his hips swinging quite harmonically, and Shepard blushes as Kaidan reaches out to push his mouth closed with a finger on his jaw. 

He can't look away as Kaidan disappears towards the shower, and he swallows a lump in his throat as he hears the water turn on before he practically sprints towards the door. Unfortunately, he's only just in the doorway and admiring the view when the speakers in his room pipe up.

" _Ah, Commander_?" Tali's voice calls over the intercom, " _I, well, myself and the crew were wondering if you and Kaidan would like to join us for a late night last drink? Only if you're, um, not-_ "

" _Fucking like rabbits_ ," Joker's voice interrupts, and Shepard can't help but feel a little mortified as Kaidan bursts out laughing.

He backtracks quickly out of the bathroom and heads for the comm on his desk, giving them an affirmative and telling Joker to _shut his fucking mouth_ , before he feels an incredibly _wet_ body pressing against his back.

"We best be quick then," Kaidan purrs into his neck, his hand traveling down between Shepard's legs as he slowly rubs himself against Shepard's ass. 

Instantly he's turning around and pushing Kaidan back into the shower, grinning as he thrusts him up against the wall while the water cascades down around them, and he hitches Kaidan's thighs up on his hips as he presses against him to hold him up.

"Guess we must," he agrees, and Kaidan's grin makes him laugh as he leans forward to kiss him.

They fall out of Shepard's room twenty minutes later, both flustered and grinning as Joker laughs, Garrus groans, Liara rolls her eyes, EDI frowns, Tali squeaks, and James offers them both high-fives.

"Live and let live!" James cheers despite Garrus telling him to _shut up_.

Shepard just pulls Kaidan closer, despite the crew's reactions, and he smiles as Kaidan's head drops to his shoulder and he mumbles those three little words into Shepard's neck once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only two more to go after this guys :)
> 
> Sad news, unfortunately I won't be doing the DLCs. I have run out of time to continue this series (uni work has finally caught up, and while I love writing it is only a hobby compared to my university work) and while I would love to do them, I just can't.
> 
> Luckily, the DLCs are actually really good on their own, so I don't know how much more I could've done. 
> 
> Thank you all again <3 You've been amazing.
> 
> [my tumblr (if you wanna :D)](http://resacon1990.tumblr.com/)


	17. Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Cutscene: [[x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWNyjcMZfuQ&list=PLCFB508F8F82F0460&index=16)]

The city is a mess, Shepard observes as he walks through the ruins, and he has no doubt it's going to take _years_ to fix, to rebuild, to become _inhabitable_.

"Nothing like an Armageddon to bring a few races together," James had commented last night over a toast to humanity, and Shepard had laughed at the time. Looking around now though? Shepard could see where the man was coming from. Turians and Krogans working along side one another, Quarians and Geth, Asari and Humans, all of them pitching in to get ready for the upcoming battle. 

He's been walking the ruins for what felt like hours, joining in with the final preparations of pushing rubble aside, gathering survivors to prepare for battle, but he mainly searches for his crew. He's found the odd few lurking amongst the amassing army, Garrus and Tali, Liara and Wrex, his _original_ crew. He lingers with each and every one of them, reminiscing, laughing, thinking about everything _but_ the possibility of losing one of them.

It takes a while, but finally he turns down a random alleyway and at the end he sees Kaidan standing with a small band of men and women. He looks like he's issuing orders, and Shepard admires the mans resolve as he approaches.

"Hey, Kaidan," he calls as soon as the group breaks away, and he hurries forward as Kaidan turns to him with a bright smile.

"Hey, there you are," he shakes his head as he reaches out to gently push Shepard's arm, "I'd wondered if you'd disappeared on me."

"I'd never," Shepard snorts with a laugh, though he fully means it, "you ready?"

Kaidan's grin turns forced as he rubs a hand over the back of his neck nervously. "Absolutely," he says, "for anything. Bring it on."

"And Biotics Division? Your students?"

"More than ready, _eager_ ," and Kaidan genuinely laughs as he glances over at the small group of people loitering nearby, "that's youth for you."

Shepard has to agree. He's seen many of the younger soldiers getting excited, trash talking the Reapers and buzzing with adrenaline. He's seen the way the older troops look at them. Sympathetic, worried, nostalgic. 

"Guess we're, ah," Kaidan smiles at him sadly, "guess we're old soldiers now, hey, Shepard."

"Yeah," and Shepard thinks that _he'd_ been looking at the younger troops in exactly the same way as the older ones, and it makes his stomach twist, "I guess we are."

"We know the score," Kaidan sighs, and he sounds so broken to Shepard's ears that he winces and looks away, "we know this is… _goodbye_."

It's like something solid blocks up Shepard's throat as Kaidan's words settle in. There's not a high chance they'll come out of this alive, well below average, and he thinks about every single member of his crew dying, all of their faces flashing before his eyes before being snuffed out, and he has to clench his jaw to keep in the desperate noises he wants to make.

It doesn't help that he sees Kaidan's tears when he looks back at him, sees them building up and starting to spill over as Kaidan tries to wipe them away and give him a reassuring smile at the same time. Shepard can't deal with that, can't think about how _sad_ his Kaidan is when he just wants him to be _happy_ , and he steps forward to brush his fingers under Kaidan's eyes to catch his tears on his gloves.

"When this is over," he forces out through his gritted teeth, so determined to hold back every bit of despair, "I'm going to be waiting for you. You better show up."

"Don't get me wrong," Kaidan replies, his hand coming up to close around Shepard's on his cheek, "I'm going to fight like hell for the chance to hold you again."

Shepard can't stop himself from letting out a small choked noise that has Kaidan bumping their foreheads together, and Shepard closes his eyes just to sink in their proximity before Kaidan sighs softly against his lips.

"There's things I want to say," he mumbles, and Shepard nods as he pulls away just to give Kaidan some room to speak even though he doesn't want to, "looking back… I have a few regrets, but not many. That's pretty damn amazing, right?" he pauses and laughs humorlessly, "messed up kid that I was, never would've dreamed of the life I've had. And I owe a lot of that to you, you know."

"It's been quite a ride," Shepard agrees, and Kaidan smiles as he links their fingers together by their sides.

"Ever since the beginning," he says quietly, "there's never been a dull moment with you, Shep. Whether it's avoiding being mauled by husks or," he pauses to laugh, "or watching you and your ridiculous dancing."

Shepard can't help but join in the laughter. "You realise you're all just as bad as me, right?" he shakes his head, and Kaidan snorts as he grins.

"I know," he says, "but you just do it better," and he reaches out with his free hand to run it down Shepard's cheek, smiling as Shepard leans into his touch. 

It's the calm before the storm, Shepard realises as he stands there with his eyes closed.  It won't last for much longer. He's still got people to see and places to go, battles to prepare for and outcomes to be wary of, but he pushes the thoughts aside in favour of just being in Kaidan's presence for a little longer.

"I saw Liara," Kaidan continues after a minute of contemplative silence, and Shepard opens his eyes to see Kaidan's grimace, "I haven't… I haven't spoken to her properly since your death."

"But on the ship-"

Kaidan shakes his head as he smiles sadly at Shepard. "I had a lot of resentment towards her," he explains, " _she_ was the one that put you into Cerberus's hands, and I never truly wanted to blame you, Shepard. And for a long time after Horizon I blamed her. She was the one that just couldn't… couldn't have let us move on with our lives without you," he sighs, "I can see now I was wrong. My life is nothing without you."

"You've been with me from the start, Kaidan," Shepard says after a moment, and Kaidan looks like he's about to argue so Shepard holds up a hand to cut him off, "no, you have. Even when I was with Cerberus. You've _always_ been with me, physically or emotionally, and… thank you. Thank you. I don't think I could've gotten this far on determination alone."

"Shep…"

"You were right," he interrupts with a smile as he squeezes their still entwined hands, "I needed… _need_ someone to live for. And _you_ are that person, Kaidan."

Kaidan looks so happy, something Shepard hadn't seen since they'd landed on Earth, and he smiles as Kaidan looks at the ground almost bashfully. They don't say much more, just soak each other in as they run their eyes over each others bodies, memorizing each other, until Kaidan looks at him with a soft smile.

"Are you scared?" he asks, voice quiet and barely a whisper, and Shepard tightens his grip on their hands even more.

"Damn straight I'm scared," he ends up answering briskly, "but that fear is gonna keep me alive long enough to strike these bastards right through the heart."

"Yeah," Kaidan nods, and Shepard notices how forlorn he looks, "exactly."

"I…" it's becoming too much, he realizes once his words catch in his throat. He's not use to this _doomed_ _romance_. He adores Kaidan, loves Kaidan, but the idea that one of them might not come out of this alive… he wants to laugh at the cruelty. "Take care, Major," he ends up choking out, unable to say much else, and he goes to walk away, starts to drop their hands, when Kaidan arm is across his chest and pulling him back.

It's a long kiss, one that makes Shepard want to just never let go, and he absorbs the feeling of Kaidan's lips on his, their bodies pressing together through their suits, their hands clasped on Kaidan's waist, just _them_. He memorizes the feel of their kiss like it might be their last, and when they pull away he refuses to make any sort of choked off noise at Kaidan's heartbroken face.

"Stay safe," Kaidan murmurs, "please, come back to me."

Shepard honestly can't find words. His mouth opens and closes for a minute, before he resigns himself to just nodding as Kaidan pulls away and looks over his shoulder.

"I should find the rest of my squad," he muses, and Shepard slowly untangles their hands with a feeling of finality and wishes it won't be the last time.

"Yeah."

"You know," Kaidan says to him as Shepard turns to move away, to leave Kaidan behind, but _hopefully return_ , "I've never been to London."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So guys, this is the second to last chapter, and I'm going to be doing my final authors note here.
> 
> I want to thank you all so so much for reading. It's been a wild ride, and this story has been a mix of sobbing my eyes out and screaming at cutscenes because honestly, MShenko is so emotionally constipated it hurts sometimes.
> 
> Thank you, especially, to [Jm25](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Jm25/pseuds/Jm25), Chibi_Chibi_60, [mythicbeast](http://archiveofourown.org/users/mythicbeast/pseuds/mythicbeast), and [cloudblade70](http://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudblade70/pseuds/cloudblade70)! You were all so amazing for commenting all the time on every chapter. I loved reading each and every one of your comments, it definitely kicked my ass into gear to pump out these last few chapters. I'm so glad you all enjoyed this series, and I loved reading about your reactions to the constant angst/fluff switching in basically every chapter. You guys have been amazing, and I don't think I can actually thank you enough! 
> 
> Thank you to everyone else that hasn't commented but has taken the time to sit down and read every chapter. I hope you've all enjoyed it, and have hopefully bared with the emotional rollarcoaster.
> 
> And finally, thank you [broadfields](http://broadfields.tumblr.com/)/[univeted](http://archiveofourown.org/users/univeted/pseuds/univeted). You have been so amazing listening to my screeching about MShenko and being my rebound board for ideas! And thank you for pushing me into actually writing this after hearing me scream about how disastrous the cutscenes between these two are. You've been so fantastic, and I definitely have intentions on crying over Bioware games with you in the future!
> 
> Only one last chapter to go, and its the longest and the saddest yet, I hope you all will enjoy it and cry as much as I did writing it XD I'd also like to say that it will be left open ambiguously. It's up to you, as the reader, to decide what option Shepard took, and if he does in fact see Kaidan again.
> 
> In short, guys, THANK YOU!! I HOPE YOU'VE ENJOYED THIS SERIES AS MUCH AS I HAVE!!
> 
> [my tumblr (if you wanna :D)](http://resacon1990.tumblr.com/)


	18. And End, Once and For All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Cutscene: [[x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QP5dDmiaI5g&index=17&list=PLCFB508F8F82F0460)]

"London is an actual _shithole_."

It's not true, Shepard thinks it's probably actually a really lovely place, but it spikes laughter amongst the troops running by his side, amongst his team on the comms, from Kaidan who's right at his back.

"It's beautiful when it's not inhabited by shit-eating aliens," one of the soldiers call out, and Shepard flicks his hand as a dismissal, earning another wave of laughter.

It's shot down almost instantly though as the same troop is suddenly on the ground, withering in pain as a Husk stands over him, ripping through his armor and Shepard winces as the soldier's screams thunder in his ears. He's firing his rifle as quickly as possible, moving to the side as Kaidan lets out a cry and darts forward with his biotics to throw the creature back.

The solider is unmoving on the ground, his team members crowding around them, and Shepard hates that he doesn't have time to stop to check on him as well, but this is _war_ and he pushes on down the street with Kaidan and Garrus sticking to his back.

Only a few more minutes to go until the missiles are ready," Garrus informs him, "if we keep up this pace that is. And if we don't get massacred by that _banshee_."

Of course there's another one, Shepard thinks as he grits his teeth and reaches for the Hydra on his back before he shoves the other two in a nearby shop as another beam from the Destroyer fires down the street. They crash into the counter instantly, Kaidan sinking to his knees with a shaky breath as Garrus growls while hitting his jammed rifle. Shepard's the only one standing, the only one looking out the street as men are hit by the beam and literally _evaporated_ , as the Banshee slowly walks towards them with one of those bloodcurdling screams ripping from her.

"We can't keep doing this," Kaidan mutters, looking more exhausted than Shepard feels.

"I know," Shepard growls, running a hand over his face. He'd lost his helmet in a scuffle with a Marauder, ripped off with so much force that Shepard had feared his head would come with it. 

"We need a plan," Garrus agrees as he finally reloads his rifle, "we're getting massacred. We've still got to wait for the missiles, there's a banshee, and the rest of the team is being slaughtered by their ground infantry."

Shepard bites his lips as he tries to think. The banshee is almost too close for comfort, the beam is dwindling to a stop, and the enemy is regrouping.

"Kaidan," he barks, "I need you to assemble the others and strike back. Focus on the husks for now, and the marauders if necessary. Garrus, shoot the ever loving _shit_ out of that freak. Cover me while I get close enough to hit her with the Hydra."

Kaidan looks ready to argue, but Shepard just shakes his head. "Trust me," he says, and Kaidan reluctantly nods.

The beam disappears, and instantly he's screaming "go!" as they charge out of the shop. Shepard tries not to be distracted by Garrus's bullets skimming close and Kaidan's cries to the men, he _tries_ to focus on the banshee looming closer and he manages to get the Hydra aimed on her. One shot and she's charging towards him, making him cry for Garrus to distract her, two shots and he's rolling to the side to avoid a swipe of her claws and he doesn't think he imagines the blue glowing around her as _Kaidan_ pushes her back with a wave of biotics, three shots and she's down, screaming one of those spine-chilling shrieks that has Shepard shivering. 

He doesn't stop though, he turns instead to finish annihilating the rest of the ground troops as Garrus and Kaidan fall back to his side and EDI is telling him that the missiles are ready to fire, and he doesn't hesitate to sprint to the nearby control panel to hit the _fire_ button. Garrus and Kaidan scramble behind him, holding up a steady stream of bullets as they shoot all advancing enemies, and Shepard bellows, " _give them everything you've got_ " into his comms as the rockets slam into the Destroyer.

Explosions rock the creature, and Shepard ignores it to aid Kaidan and Garrus in eliminating all remaining targets. It takes a handful of minutes before EDI calls " _Destroyer terminated_ " and Kaidan fires the last blast into the last cannibal. 

"One last push for the conduit then?" Garrus asks as they watch the Reaper take the hits, unable to block the blows, before crashing to the ground in a cloud of smoke. Shepard shields his eyes as he watches the Destroyer fall, a feeling of elation sparking inside him.

It all goes so quickly after that. Anderson appears and bundles them all into a Mako. Shepard registers the word "Harbinger" when Anderson says it and Garrus joins him in swearing at their bad luck. Kaidan looks confused, and despite wanting to tell him about the suicide mission Shepard knows there's no time to explain as the driver informs them they're coming upon the conduit. Coming upon the _final_ battle ground.

"This is it," Anderson says as the Mako hits bump after bump and they bounce in their seats, "this is _it_."

Shepard knows he needs to say something, and he stands to grab one of the bars on the roof as everyone else stands with him, watching him with sad smiles, and he hears the crackling of silence on the other end of his comm. "I can't think of anyone else I'd rather do this with," he declares to them all, and his eyes linger on Kaidan, "and no matter how this ends, it's been an honor serving with each of you. I could never have asked for a better team. "

He can hear his crew's replies over his comm, sees Garrus, Major Coats and Anderson salute him, but it's Kaidan who he lingers on, and it's Kaidan who steps forward to drag him into a brief hug, their cheeks pressing against one another as Shepard tries not to sag in Kaidan's grip.

"Nobody is doing this alone," Kaidan murmurs, and Shepard starts to reply, only for the Mako to hit _something_ and they're all being flung around the interior. He hits his head against one of the benches, groaning as dots burst out in front of his eyes and he hears the groans of the others as the smell of smoke reaches him.

"Out," he cries, "everyone _out_." He grabs onto Kaidan's elbow and Coats's shirt, dragging them out with him as he slides out of the Mako. The front is on fire, dangerously close to the engine, and he frantically glances back in time to see Garrus pulling himself and Anderson out.

"Shit," Anderson growls as they all turn to see Harbinger landing, and Shepard swallows back a lump in his throat, "we've got to move!"

"Come on!" Shepard orders as he jumps down the slope, the beam glowing in the distance, and he hears affirmatives as he starts to sprint forward.

The rest of Hammer spreads out around him. Mako's fly forward, and Shepard winces when they all begin to get wiped out by Harbinger's laser, ground troops sprint faster than Shepard and he cries out multiple times as they're all caught in explosions or fired at. It's hectic, dodging laser after laser, and he has to fling himself to the side as a Mako explodes in front of him.

He glances behind him to find the others, and he has no idea where Anderson or Coats are, but he sees Garrus and Kaidan sprinting for him, both dodging whatever is thrown their way until Shepard watches in horror as another Mako explodes and flips back to hit them.

He's on his feet instantly, barreling back towards them as he climbs the ruined Mako to jump down. They're both on the ground, Kaidan clutching his leg groaning, and Shepard hovers over Garrus for a moment before scrambling to shove a shoulder under Kaidan's armpit and pull him towards the relative safe cover  of the destroyed Mako.

"You okay?" he pants as he settles Kaidan with his back to the vehicle and Garrus collapses beside him.

"F-Fine," Kaidan grunts, his hand hovering over his leg and Shepard winces at seeing the mangled armor. Not fine, _definitely_ not fine.

"Normandy, do you copy?" he asks into his headset, pressing his hand more firmly against his ear than necessary, "I need an evac  _right now_."

Kaidan is shaking his head, trying to convince Shepard he's fine, but he settles when Garrus puts a hand on his shoulder and Shepard wraps their hands together.

" _We're taking heavy losses up here, Commander_ ," Joker replies after a bated few moments, and Shepard just waits and waits and tries not to think about the possibility of not being able to get Kaidan _out_ , until Joker crackles back with a, " _on our way, Commander_."

He sees it within a few moments, the Normandy coming closer, and he shoves his shoulder back under Kaidan once again for support as he begins to hobble them over. 

"Come on," he says with a grunt, and Kaidan shakes his head furiously.

"I'm okay, Commander," Kaidan protests as Garrus covers them, despite the lack of enemies, and Shepard ignores him in favour of getting closer to the loading ramp. Garrus surges ahead of them as soon as the ramp lowers enough, and Shepard slips out from under Kaidan's arm.

"Here," he calls to Garrus, "take him," and Garrus doesn't even question him as he turns back to scoop Kaidan into his grasp

"Shepard," Kaidan protests, but Shepard just takes a few steps back as he shakes his head.

"You gotta get out of here," he says, knowing it's the only way. Kaidan can't go on with his leg how it is. It's not safe. None of this is _safe_.

"Yeah," and Kaidan looks mutinous as he glares at Shepard, "that's not gonna happen."

"Don't argue with me, Kaidan!"

"Don't…" he looks heartbroken, and Shepard feels his heart practically seize in his chest as tears well up in Kaidan's eyes, streaking through the blood on his cheeks, "don't leave me behind…"

He doesn't want to. He wants to get on that ship and fly away, escape to another planet where the Reapers won't touch them, where he can live with Kaidan and not worry about the galaxy for once. 

"No matter what happens," he ends up saying as he slowly walks up the ramp towards the two, "know that…" he pauses once to cup Kaidan's cheek, "that _I love you_ ," he smiles softly, sadly, " _always_."

It's the first time he's said it, the words so foreign on his tongue, but they mean so much to him, to Kaidan, and Shepard watches as Kaidan's tears come faster as he leans into his palm and his hand comes up to wrap around Shepard's wrist.

"I love you too," he breathes, and Shepard can't stop himself from leaning forward to give Kaidan just _one last kiss_ , the urgency of it firing him up enough to pull away as Kaidan says, "be careful."

He sees the Reapers, more landing as men die in each beam that's shot out, sees the lasers getting closer to the Normandy, and he turns to wince at Kaidan reaching for him as he steps off the ramp.

"Go!" he orders with a flick of his hand, and his voice mingles with Kaidan's first sob as he watches Garrus pull him up the ramp, still reaching for Shepard.

He'll see him again, Shepard tries to convince himself as he watches the Normandy rise up and away before turning to the chaos around him, to lasers riddling the battlefield, to the screams of the dead and dying.

"It's time to finish this," he says to himself as he runs forward, troops swarming around him in the final push towards the beam.

He thinks of Kaidan as a laser explodes in front of him, as he's knocked to the ground, as he blacks out with his fate unknown.

...

_I have to see him again_.


End file.
